I might lash out....
I am so prepared to pop a cap right now. I just got home from a very long night, and I was actually in a huge argument before I got home. A man that I knew a long time ago, actually saw me today and confronted me about his friend who is in jail. He blamed me for his friend being in jail, and I told him, "It's not my fault he decided to rape me. Sorry for the inconvenience of your friends brain and capacity to know what's right." I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but the way he was speaking to me, I couldn't help it. He quickly escalated the situation and called me a series of colorful names, and he made a huge deal out of this.
He kept saying that I should have said no and that I should have stopped him if I didn't want it. I quickly intervened and told him that I did indeed try to stop him, and I did tell him no, but he was the one that wouldn't listen to me. I told him of that night, and I told him that it was not my fault that he was not able to keep his junk in his pants, and he was not able to actually find a woman who was willing to have consensual intercourse with him. I saw the reason why that night.
The man was speechless for a couple seconds at my bravery and my forward way of speaking to him. He then began to turn the tables, telling me that if I didn't make myself such a sex idol, then I would not have been in that situation, and that if I had not tried to seduce him with my movements, that I would not have been assaulted.
I felt the anger boil in my chest as he spoke, and you have no idea the restraint it took not to hit him, and begin to wail on him, but I kept my composure, and began to argue. I told him that I was not making a sex idol of myself, for there was no reason for it, I was walking home from college, and that I was wearing the ugliest clothes I could possibly walk home in. Once again, the problem laid in the hands of his friend who could not think with the head on his shoulders. He saw a girl who was alone and vulnerable, and decided to take advantage of that. I had nothing to do with that, and the street cameras will attest to that fact.
Once again speechless, the man began to work up a sweat, and he was angry. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to hit me, and his body language was saying the same thing as well. He then began to avert from the original argument, and begin calling me an assortment of names once more. I stood there with a stoic stance, and a strong face, and took it all. I didn't care what this man was saying to me, I was past the whole thing, and he should have been as well. I had nothing to do with the fact that his friend decided to rape me.
When he mentioned that his friend was miserable, and he was the victim in the situation and he spends every day sitting in a cell and is mentally scarred by what he had to go through, and being convicted for the whole thing. That's where I truly snapped.
When he paused with a smug smile on his face, I took my turn. I told him, "I'm sorry, let me get this straight, he went home that night with bruises on his wrists, thighs, chest, and other places, cuts on his face and back, and scrapes from being thrown to the ground. I must be mistaken, him being twice my size I was more than able to throw him to the ground, hold him down, and do all those horrible things to him. I am so sorry for putting him through that pain. It must be awful knowing that you will never see the light of day because of someone else. Wow, such a horrible tragedy. Well for your information-"
At this point he tried to cut me off and interrupt me, shutting out my voice and my way of speaking, but was put back into place when I yelled, "I'M NOT FINISHED YET!" He was quiet in that instant.
I continued to tell him, that next time he decides to blame someone else for his own ego and his own pride in his friends, he should make sure that his friends are people worth hanging around, and that he shouldn't have those kinds of friends in the first place. I apologized for my rudeness and walked away.
Of course, I thought that I could walk away from that feeling accomplished, but to be honest, I felt a hole in my chest, like a wound that opened up, and I felt the darkness creeping in again. I knew that I couldn't let my past control my future, and that no matter what, I had to make things different, but something stopped me. I was so angry, and so upset that someone had the nerve to contradict what they knew was a fact. I am so sick and tired of being blamed for being raped, and I am really tired of people thinking that I will just roll over and do what they want, I am not weak, and I am not an object to be ogled at and taken advantage of. I will not tolerate people thinking lowly of me anymore. This is a warning, if anyone else thinks they can blame me for something I had no control over, then I am really going to pop a cap next time, and it won't end well....