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tomorrow...

Posted by missophelia , 31 October 2013 · 150 views

TW   Please take gentle care of your self if you choose to read.
 
I am supposed to hand in my pills tomorrow morning.
 
Right now, I have really mixed emotions about it.  There is underlying anxiety.  I am trying to not anticipate, but I am afraid of how it will feel in the morning.
 
It was weird, talking to Dr K this morning.  She told me I could go with her in the morning to hand them in....IF I WANTED TO.
 
In my mind, I was saying, what?  She's giving me an option?
 
I didn't like that.
 
When I had my session with her Wednesday, the conversation went more like, it's a really good idea that you turn them in.  And, I will call and schedule it, and then go with you when you turn them in.
 
After this morning, I feel like I have a choice.
 
And I don't think I do.
 
I don't think that's how the professionals at my VA see it, as me having a choice.  Because, honestly, if I really had a choice, I would keep them.  So I could use them.
 
Choice or not, I know I need to turn them in.  I feel too close to the edge, and feel the urge to jump.
 
I am so depressed, it's not funny.
 
I'm also angry, and anxious. 
 
I just want to give up.  Give in. 
 
And part of me wants to die.  I don't want to go on.



Sitting with you. X
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missophelia
Oct 31 2013 05:11 PM

thank you Susanna

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Untangling-It-All
Oct 31 2013 08:45 PM

:hug: :hug:

It's a big step.  Whatever you choose, I am with you.

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missophelia
Nov 01 2013 02:47 AM

Thank you Untangling

 

And how did you get the emoticons to show up.  I don't even see where to find them here.  But thank you for the hugs, and hugs to you too

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missophelia
Nov 01 2013 02:47 AM

Thank you Theresa. 

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Untangling-It-All
Nov 01 2013 07:27 PM

I just typed the code for the hugs, which is : hug : but without the spaces between the : and the word hug

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missophelia
Nov 01 2013 07:34 PM

thanks, Untangling

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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