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Believing in Love

Posted by JDB , 23 December 2012 · 25 views

My story of abuse was written into a fictional book. I created a character by the name of Rachel Hayward, who is really me in disguise. She embodies my fears, thoughts, beliefs, low self-esteem, and every other aspect of the effects sexual abuse had upon my life.

One of Rachelís weaknesses, among other things, is her inability to believe in love. This Christmas season may be a difficult time for many who have come from abused backgrounds, because the message of Christmas is unconditional love.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard those words, ďI love you,Ē and looked at the man saying them to me unable to comprehend what left his lips. There is a barrier between my beliefs and the reality of those words, and it really has been a struggle Iíve been unable to conquer my entire life.

Of course, it doesnít help when the words spoken by men in your life are from those who have cheated, abused, and abandoned you. Itís no wonder that believing in love or even comprehending the meaning of the word is so difficult. On top of it, as women, we are faced with the fact that men abused us, which definitely is not an act of love. It certainly falls into that area of learned behavior and what we truly believe as we grow into womanhood.

As I wrote Conflicting Hearts it was very easy for me to feel Rachel. Soon after she meets Ian, she quickly questions if men can love.

Do men genuinely love? No, Iíve convinced myself that they donít. They just want sex and have no emotions. The male race consists of lust-driven robots that want to screw. All I know is that Iím never good enough, and when Ian discovers my secrets, heíll leave me after heís gotten what he wants. Thereís no way around it.

Iíve questioned that myself throughout my life whether men have deep emotional love like women do, or if they are really just driven by physical desires. Of course, itís obvious where that came from.

However, Conflicting Hearts is really my fantasy. Itís that place that I want to believe men can love. You see, I never met my Ian Richards in life. So to compensate, I wrote a story about Rachel Hayward conquering her doubts. In the end she proclaims:

Now I know that men really do love, because the evidence is holding me in his arms. All of a sudden, I believe in fairy godmothers, angels, and heaven above. It feels glorious to be loved and to love someone I can trust. My worth has returned, and my redemption is complete.

For me, that is my hope of the future. For you, I pray itís a gift under your Christmas tree ó the hope and belief that men do love and that you are worth loving and are a wonderful human being.

Merry Christmas,

J.D. Burrows

Follow on WordPress I will be posting more of my journey from my blog in the weeks ahead. Thank you for joining me on my journey.

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fadingflower
Dec 25 2012 09:02 PM
I thought I was alone. I've had the exact feelings you describe here, that men are incapable of love.. that they are emotionless creatures interested in one thing.

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