It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise - Pandora's Aquarium

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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise from The Courage to Heal Workbook

#31 Guest_choirgirl_*

Group: Guests

Posted 18 April 2003 - 08:47 AM

1. It was really my fault because I flirted with him.
2. It was really my fault because I didn't stop him.
3. It was really my fault because I didn't hit him like I knew how to.
4. It was really my fault because I went in a dark room with him.
5. It was really my fault because I didn't scream.
6. It was really my fault because I was too innocent to figure out what was going on.
7. It was really my fault because he was only 16. He was still a child, too.

1. It wasn't my fault because flirting doesn't mean you want sex.
2. It wasn't my fault because I was 11. I couldn't stop him.
3. It wasn't my fault because I was too scared to fight back.
4. It wasn't my fault because it was a church, I thought I'd be safe.
5. It wasn't my fault because I was too scared to scream. I opened my mouth and nothing came out.
6. It wasn't my fault because I WAS only 11 and I was innocent, and that's not a crime.
7. It wasn't my fault because being young doesn't give you the right to do thast to someone.

(Edited by choirgirl at 10:49 am on April 18, 2003)

#32 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 20 July 2003 - 01:44 AM

It was really my fault because I'm naive.
It was really my fault because I thought I loved him.
It was really my fault because I didn't recognize what it was when it happened.
It was really my fault because I invited him over.
It was really my fault because I didn't enforce the word "no."

It wasn't my fault because I didn't know what his intentions were.
It wasn't my fault because he took advantage of those feelings.
It wasn't my fault because I couldn't believe what had happened to me, & I didn't understand what had occured at the time.
It wasn't my fault because I believed him when he said he just wanted to hang out that night, & he took advantage of my trust.
It wasn't my fault because I told him that I had my period, & he was too stupid to understand that THAT meant no.

well, THAT was cleansing. thank you.

#33 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 30 July 2003 - 04:56 PM

Here goes, will have a go-
It was my fault because I was his special GIRL
It was my fault because I let HIM
It was my fault because I was naked in the bath
It was my fault because He said so!
It was my fault because, I wore a dress
It was my fault because, I looked like my Mother!
It was my fault because, I was a prostitute
It was my fault because he said I asked for IT
It was my fault because he said, "you are just like your mother, a bloody Whore!!

OK
It was not my fault because everbody says so
It was not my fault because, he should not have done that to his daughter!!
It was not my fault because, I was not my MOTHER

Ok, this one, I found really hard, sorry
Catherine

#34 SunshineDaydream

Group: Member
Posts: 273
Joined: 01-August 03

Posted 24 August 2003 - 10:59 AM

*my fault because I had never said no to him before
*my fault because I slept in my underwear with my butt to him
*my fault because I let him go down on me and then didn't reciprocate
*my fault because I never stood up for myself in this relationship even when he abused me emotionally
*my fault because deep down I knew he was an ####### to women and I stayed in the relationship anyways

*NOT my fault because I was asleep and how was I supposed to defend myself
*NOT my fault because I said no 4 seperate times
*NOT my fault because he was my partner and he said he loved me
*NOT my fault because I was sick and that's ple3nty reason to say no
*NOT my fault because I didn't even want him to go down on me, he forced it

Thanks guys, this helped and I've wanted to do this for a long time!

#35 hilary

hurt, but healing

Group: Member
Posts: 2,851
Joined: 16-April 01

Posted 10 May 2001 - 01:12 AM

my fault because i got in the car
my fault because i trusted a stranger
my fault because i was stupid
my fault because i didn't fight
my fault because i let it happen
my fault because i really should've known better

not my fault because i was a child
not my fault because he had a knife- i couldn't fight that
not my fault because i
not my fault because

still struggling with the not-my-faults...

hilary

#36 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 10 May 2001 - 11:08 AM

it was really my fault because i got drunk
it was really my fault because i hated myself enough to put myself in dangerous situations
it was really my fualt because i allowed myself to be abused the first time and the second abuser could sense my weakness
it was really my fault because i am a weak person
it was really my fault because i wanted to have sex and i have no right to ask for protection if i'm going to act like a slut anyway
it was really my fault because i am a slut and he was just doing what people do to sluts
it was really my fualt because i asked for it
it was really my fault because i didn't fight back
it was really my fualt because i lied and said i liked it
it was really my fault because i should have let him kill me before i let him rape me
it was really my fualt because i was too much of a coward to take a beating

it wasn't my fault because i wanted to live and i would have let him do anything just to stay alive and unhurt

i thought of other ones but right now i have trouble believing them. the only one that seems valid right now is my will to live. thanks for this exercise it has started me thinking. sleepy

#37 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 13 May 2001 - 04:38 AM

It just was my fault ok!!!!!
Why is it that I will open up but, not fully. I am trying to reach out, but I stop, because I think that I am ok and that I can handle it and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I can do this on my own. I am not looking for attention. But maybe its attention I need......
billdaclown

#38 pianogirl

She plays piano like she spatters paint.

Group: Member
Posts: 1,271
Joined: 17-April 01

Posted 21 May 2001 - 04:13 PM

I don't know why, but I started panicking when I read it. I WANT to heal.

I keep thinking it is my fault. I keep thinking that it's my fault that I thought up such disgusting stuff. I don't remember a lot. When I read the one about "It's my fault because my brother is a year older than me...." Well, it was my sister--the parts that I do remember. Same age difference--well, 18 months.

I know it's helpful to talk about this stuff and all... but for some reason this got to me.... I can't really say it's not my fault especially since I don't know exactly what happened. All I know is that I want to go hide under my bed.

I'm sorry if I panicked. Thanks for letting me freak out--hope you don't mind....

I think it's good that some people found this exercise helpful. I think it's good that there are healing books out there. I just wish I didn't freak out from just looking at them.

Thanks for listening to me.

pianogirl

#39 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 22 June 2001 - 05:48 PM

1 my fault b/c i agreed to mess around
2 my fault b/c i didn't scream or fight
3 my fault b/c i didn't tell anyone, so I must have wanted it
4 my fault b/c i kept letting him go further and further
even though i told him he couldn't, so of course he thought he could do anything he wanted to me
5 my fault b/c i kept being his girlfriend for another year after it happened, so it couldn't have been bad or i would have left
6 my fault b/c i turned him on so much and then wouldn't have sex. teases deserve what they get.

not my fault b/c
1. i clearly told him what i didn't want to do when we messed around
2. i react to panic by freezing, so i couldn't help not fighting
3. just b/c i didn't say anything doesn't make it not real. I didn't have anyone to go to.
4. I *did* tell him that penetration was out of the question, and no means no. He had no right to assume I wanted anything.
5. My family was so screwed up, and he made me give up my friends to be with him. So he was really all I had. I had to stay with him until I was strong enough to leave. It was the only way for me to keep from killing myself.
6. what kind of loser has no self control? if i can stop at any time, then he can too. He *chose* not to stop.

I'm not sure I believe the second list yet, but I hope that posting it will help me see the truth.

#40 Guest_crying angel_*

Group: Guests

Posted 19 August 2001 - 07:42 AM

1. It was really my fault because - I never told anybody about it
2. It was really my fault because - I didn't try and stay away from him
3. It was really my fault because - there must have been something wrong with me for him to do what he did

1. It wasn't my fault because - he said he would kill me if I told, and I was afraid
ALSO - I didn't have the vocabulary to tell what had happened or how it affected me!
2. It wasn't my fault because I didn't have a lot of choice about avoiding him - I was little and he was smart
3. It wasn't my fault because - there was nothing wrong with me, there was something major wrong with him

Thanks Lis, still not entirely convinced about number 3, but I guess that'll come.

Lots of love
CA

(Edited by crying angel at 4:32 pm on Aug. 28, 2001)

#41 Sami100

Group: Member
Posts: 621
Joined: 13-August 01

Posted 02 September 2001 - 04:17 AM

Hi well i have looked at this time and time again maybe its time to try it now...

Lis it seems like a wonderful idea ty for posting

It was my fault because....

1. It was really my fault because I Went out of my way to go and meet him
2. It was really my fault because i am married so what the #### was i doing anyhow?
3. It was really my fault because i went back to the situation alone
4. It was really my fault because I got in a near strangers car!
5. It was really my fault because I gave him the wrong impression
6. It was really my fault because i did not stop it. I did not try hard enough people were around i could have stopped it SOMEHOW.
7. It was really my fault because i answered my phone and said nuthing everything was ok.....what the fuck????
8. It was really my fault because i still got back into his car after
9. It was really my fault because i reported a sexual assult not a ra*e they knew it wasnt the truth and he got away with it.....now who will he hurt next? CAUSE OF ME! Being a failure and a wimp.

It wasn't my fault because...

1. It wasn't my fault because I was set up..i thought i was meeting his gf with him
2. It wasn't my fault because i was meeting a "friend" and i never wanted this
3. It wasn't my fault because i thought i was safe? Why does that sound so #### stupid? I was 23 SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. Id met him b4 i took a friend that time i trusted them?
4. It wasn't my fault because I .... it was my fault.
5. It wasn't my fault because i dont see how i did? Inever intended to. No is no whatever
6. It wasn't my fault because i couldnt...............
7. It wasn't my fault because i didnt want hurt noone else
8. It wasn't my fault because i was scared and in a strange place...i wanted to die
9. It wasn't my fault because hte police were insensitive ******* and male..noone appearded to give a fu**. I gave them a ton of info they ignored it. I HURT. but if anyone else gets hurt..........

#42 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 05 December 2001 - 08:24 PM

Here it goes. My list
1.It was my fault because I moved in with him
2.I trusted him
3.I told him things that he used against me
4.Sometimes I said I wanted to sleep with him
5.I didn’t fight
6.I didn’t say no
7.I didn’t leave
8.I let him try to hit me
9.I believed when he said I love you
10.I didn’t go to the police
11.I didn’t ask for help
12.I did what he wanted me to
13.I didn’t scream
14.I didn’t tell anyone for years

1.I didn’t know who he really was, where I lived shouldn’t have mattered
2.Trust is not a bad thing, he tricked me
3.I never thought that someone would use the fact that my father doesn’t love me to make me stay where they could hurt me
4.I wanted him to love me, he only said it when I was doing what he wanted so I tried to make him happy
5.Fighting back would have only added more injuries, he wouldn’t have let me go with out a fight
6.Saying no wouldn’t have mattered to someone that tried using his fist to make me afraid
7.I didn’t leave because no one else had said they loved me, I want to be loved so badly
8.I ducked, he never landed a punch and that was all I could do when stuck living with him
9.I never thought someone would lie about love for so long and not mean it
10.I didn’t think that anyone would believe me after I moved in with him, everyone thought we were having sex before he raped me anyway
11.I didn’t know anyone that would help I thought that they would think I got what was coming to me
12.When I did what he wanted he was easier to live with, he would be nice and not try to hit me as much
13.No one was in the apartment but us, no one was there to help
14.I didn’t know how to tell some one about something that happened so long ago, that was so painful.

I can make myself say the I wasn't my faults but I don't really believe them all.

Thanks Jen

#43 Cherry Blossom

answers to goddess

Group: Member
Posts: 906
Joined: 02-October 01

Posted 31 July 2002 - 09:43 AM

It was my fault because…..

1. It was my fault because I never said 'no'.
2. It was my fault because I kept going back.
3. It was my fault because I wore those tempting things.
4. It was my fault because I flirted and initiated contact.
5. It was my fault because I loved him.
6. It was my fault because it felt good.
7. It was my fault because he wasn't old enough to know better.
8. It was my fault because I consented.
9. It was my fault because it keeps happening again and again so it must be something about me that's wrong.
10. It was my fault because nobody ever said that it wasn't.
11. It was my fault because I can't remember everything and if it was really that bad I would remember, right?
12. It was my fault because I asked for it.
13. It was my fault because I still love him.

It wasn't my fault because….

1. It was not my fault because I shouldn't have had to say 'no' in the first place. I was only seven years old. Besides I was taught to be a good girl and obey my elders so I never thought I had the power to say 'no'.
2. It was not my fault because children crave attention and love any way they can get it and sexual touching with him was the only affection offered to me at the time.
3. It was not my fault because since when are a little girl's panties supposed to be tempting? I wore frilly dresses because they were pretty not to seduce or entice others.
4. It wasn't my fault because I was a child, dammit. I didn't know what I was doing or what the touching meant. All I knew was that I loved him and he was giving me attention.
5. It wasn't my fault because you're supposed to love your family. It doesn't mean that it was okay for him to abuse me and my love and trust in him like that. That fact that I loved him makes it an even bigger betrayal.
6. It wasn't my fault because I can't control my body's reactions. Stimulus of the clitoris will provoke a response no matter who does it. Besides which, I enjoyed the attention and praise he gave me afterwards more then the touching.
7. It wasn't my fault because even if he wasn't legally an adult he was still older then me. Besides, he knew it was wrong or else he wouldn't have told me not to tell anybody what we were doing. If he can claim lack of responsibility sue to age then I, at a younger age, am certainly not a fault either. And just because no blame can be laid doesn't make it any less an abuse of my person.
8. It wasn't my fault because I was only seven years old and could not give legal consent. Even if I agreed to sexual contact he should have said 'no' because I was a child.
9. It wasn't my fault because I didn't ask for any of it, and just because I was victimized once doesn't mean that it should be open season. There's nothing wrong with me, and everything wrong with those who hurt me.
10. It wasn't my fault. I'm saying it now. And others have said it too, but the only one who matters saying it is me. It wasn't my fault.
11. It wasn't my fault because I was young at the time and might have blocked things from my memory that were unpleasant or too traumatizing for me to deal with. Lots of people do that. It's normal.
12. It wasn't my fault because I didn't ask for sex. I asked for love and affection and praise and he gave it to me in the form of sex. He could have given love to me in another form and I would have been just as happy. Besides, I didn't even know what sex was, just that if I touched him certain places he would smile at me and pat my head.
13. It wasn't my fault because I'm a better person then he is and have such a compassionate, forgiving heart that I can still love him. But loving him doesn't mean I let him hurt me or abuse me again. I can love someone and still stay far away from them for my own safety.

#44 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 16 September 2002 - 01:22 PM

my fault because i could've stopped it
my fault because i never told him no
my fault because i wanted to dress like an older woman
my fault because i would allow it to happen

not my fault because i was only a child
not my fault because i didn't know it was wrong
not my fault because he was the adult
can't list anymore not my faults..

"sleeping at night,
i was dead
i would feel nothing while sleeping.
but when i was awake,
i felt everything
all the innocence betrayed by one man's hand
all the trust gone out the window
by one man's touch.
one man could ruin it all.
betrayal is a horrible thing" -May 15,1997

#45 Guest_John L_*

Group: Guests

Posted 04 January 2003 - 10:17 PM

1. It was really my fault because I eventually promoting it
2. It was really my fault because I had an orgasm. I must have wanted it
3. It was really my fault because I never said no
4. It was really my fault because I had an erection. It must have felt good to me.
5. It was really my fault because my father said he was partially to blame
6. It was really my fault because I never told anybody

1. It wasn't my fault because I thought it was nomal & felt it was too late by the time I realised it wasnt.
2. It wasn't my fault because my body responded. My body did what it was supposed to do. It wasn't my fault
3. It wasn't my fault because I didnt understand what was happening
4. It wasn't my fault because Penises are supposed to respond to touch. I had an erection because my abuser stimulated me sexually, not because I wanted to be abused
5. It wasn't my fault because I was an innocent child when it began & he betrayde my trust
6. It wasn't my fault because I was told not to tell by my father. Instead I would tell mum something else that he has done wrong. The reation was always anger toward me & she would say I am exaggerating or imagined it.
7. It wasnt my fault becouse he made it into a seamingly inocent game.
8 It wasnt my fault because over a prolonged period it became the norm and I didnt know it any other way.

I want to thank you for showing us this exersize. I always ran through all of these in my mind but its less confusing and has more substance when in writing.

(Edited by John L at 11:18 pm on Jan. 4, 2003)