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human condition..

Posted by oma , 25 June 2012 · 69 views

I was a creature who did not feel. Walking through life wired for sound, waiting for the next chain of events that brought with it untold stories. A journey built on numbness and guarded by walls. Only to allow enough light to seep through to see the dawn of yet another day. I remind myself of the masked creatures of the movie 'The wall', By pink Floyd. All expressionless solider's of time and space, among a world that we must ... need to conformed to. But a rebel lay within, defiant and bold. No amount of courage did I carry, Just a rebel girl who did not care. I respected no one, not even myself. In that time, that moment of life I was blinded by the comfort of the conformed way I was molded into being what others and this world had laid at my feet. What has/hasn't been brainwashed into me. A life with no spirit, or individually.

Years past, and a heart so pure and true, slowly worked their way beyond the walls, beyond the grand canyons of my terrain. Past white water rapids and speared rocks . To a quiet little place no one knew existed. Not even myself. No words were said, only a out stretched hand. Every so slowly I began to rise off my knees, moving inches, millimeters at a time closer to where they stood. My mind screaming 'no' but my heart like a caged bird needed to live, to feel someone's touch before those walls remained shut forever. Going through the motions I numbly took hold. Guarded even more for the safety of my sanity. On high alert I begin to speak with them. Of nothing more than life's retreats, simple un- detailed daily life. Months went by, and I happen to notice a change within me. Was this love I felt? I couldn't be sure, because I could not define what love was. You do not miss what you never had, never learned. Time passes and I feel lighter inside. I do a double check of the word 'feelings', because again it was unknown territory I was walking. Our talks turned into deeper conversations, that I shutter to think back on now, because unknown to me my mind, heart, and soul started to walk out of the walls I carried for years. I began to feel. Simple yet unwilling feelings that were only strangers to me. More months went by, and I find my self in a bond with another human being that I have never shared in over 25 years of my life. Something so foreign, so off my usual track. A metamorphisms of cold and numb began to change to love and sadness. More feelings I never allowed myself to feel. More weeks went past and even in the face of danger, it my darkest of hours, knowing that one person was right there with me, even though miles and oceans separated us, I felt I could fly. A love so great, so deep and so true, allows anyone to feel free. Free from the chains that bind you to that quiet little place you once lived. A whole new world was opened up to me. One with feelings and brightness, love and regret. A heart that was never opened, was now lifted up. If one can believe in soul mates... I found mine.

Tragedy struck one day. I lost the one person who allowed my heart to soar. I felt myself reeling, spinning out of control. Not wanting to breathe or walk again. Lost and alone, shattered beyond any human words can explain. Those wings that I once flew on, were clipped and I was brought down. Back to a reality that I could not face, a world in which I did not belong. Unwanted and unworthy of any human contact. It wasn't slow, but very rapid. I found myself numb and cold, backing away into the walls I had created to safe guard all that was left of me. It wasn't much, but enough to survive and again go back to the 'mask soldier' I was meant to be. Since then not one has cracked even the littlest of chip to where I am, but rather has handed me more bricks, and concrete to strengthen the walls and beams that surround my every existence. Further and further away I fade, like a foot print in the sand among so many others. Unnoticed, and insignificant. But within these walls lay a battle of emotion that no longer make sense. I was thrust into them before I was ready, and now they are strangling every breath I take. You cannot crawl away from them, and no forces are strong enough to keep them at bay. No more light shines through, no more hands do I reach for. Within these walls a darkened cavern, lay a wounded soul that no longer has anything to offer. As I walk along this wall, my hand out stretched feeling each brick. Each one holds a story, detailed and true, to remind me of what mankind is like, and what emotions can do. I fear there is no more getting out or away to be able to fly once again. I am beginning to accept my destiny, a reality far to real for me. Caged and trapped on the inside, emotionally and mentally shipwrecked, Caged and trapped on the outside, all but a prison where physically you are watched, with greedy eyes.

If a heart could cry, mine would make an ocean, for more reasons than I could even explain. If my soul could talk, it would whisper how precious every life is. To say that ' You are love' beyond measure and worth. That you are not just dust, or cells floating around clumped together. You are far more! You are energy. Energy never dies, but continues on. It moves and connects to every living organizim. Every breath we take. Everything we touch, smell, see and sense. It's gut wrenching to know we live in a world where monsters, demons, evil and greed, out weight the knowledge of such a simple thought.

These words are quite profound

May 2015

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