Ups and Downs
Well, I've been swingin like a loose rope in the wind lately. I was sad, then mad, then giddy, then flat, then pissed, then just ok. Then bawling. Then laughing. Its's been a crazy couple of days.
My grandma is fading quickly.The cancer has spread and chemo is not a good option anymore. She's so old, what's the point anyway? I went to see her in hospice today, and she is so out of it. She looks waxen and yellow, can't eat, and can't talk much either. I was there for an hour, and had to leave because my aunt was starting to get weepy and hysterical and it was rubbing off on me.
I can't lose my grandma. I just lost an aunt who was special to me, and I NEED grandma to stay. I can't handle the immense sadness and tears that will come when she goes. I don't like seeing her like this, a weak old woman. She is not weak, she is my grandma, who dances with her walker! Even that she cannot do anymore. She has to be fed with a syringe, and have others take care of her.
I am just full of emotion right now. I'm crying, but happy. Mad at my situation, but resigned to it. Happy for my little ones and the familial support. Happy that I have such good friends. Sad that grandma will be gone in a matter of days. Happy that when she does go, she will be at peace and reunited with grandpa like she wants so badly.
And through all of this, the images never stop. The memory does not stop. I still have periods where I want to do something crazy. Where I want to hurt myself. Where I want to go completely bonkers. And I can't. I can't succumb to the pain, I can't let myself go. I can NOT cry. There's enough of that going around already.
I have to use every single healthy coping mechanism I have, and I'm quickly running out of options. But I will not hurt myself. I will not hurt anyone else and I will not transfer my stress to anyone else. I have to deal on my own. Just like I always have. I kept myself safe all these years, I can handle a bit longer