who are you
i hate existing. yet i'm still here, breathing, taking up matter and space.
time continues around me, every day, minute, hour, second, i'm older and die a little more.
but sometimes time just stops. or repeats. and i just want to scream.
no matter if i'm awake or dreaming. it's the same goddamn awful thing over and over again.
no one will hear me. no one ever does. because i'm a nobody, no one ever will.
"you need to trust others" i keep hearing. right, the same fake people i "trusted" only to be let down again.
i just need to let go. i don't know why i'm still here. but something is always pulling me back here. i must love being miserable. it's how i know i exist. i hurt, so i must be real. the pain is always real.
to a crazy person, the madness is normal. i want out. i want it to stop.
they never listen. going on about nothing again, eh? same story with you all the time.
just shut up already.
can i survive 800 feet? do i want to take that chance? i think about it. but everything has to fall into place first. it might not work. i need a different plan.
but the plans never work. they always fail. they're tired of listening.
just do something about it already.
how far do i need to be pushed to do so? i wonder if they're just enjoying the poking and the prodding and seeing if i would. is that what they really want?
i don't know what i want anymore. no one really gives two shits about what i want. i always have to do what they say. because my wants and desires and ideas are stupid.
i will succeed one of these days i keep telling myself. maybe that's the madness that keeps me going, hoping something better will come out of it. but after a while, the pain is too much. i hurt too much. i just want out.
this whole circular logic... the guilt too. i can't trust my judgment. they took that too.
in the end still nothing important. a name, a number. a body to be used. nothing will be missed. nothing is ever valued. nothing is nothing at all.
nothing ever worries. nothing doesn't exisit.
then who the hell am i?