Jump to content






Photo

Day 131: Fear, I mean, Four Days to Next ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 20 April 2014 · 135 views

Apr. 20, 2014 Countdown: 4 days to ObGyn Appointment (60 Days Into Becoming):
 
In light of my recent reactions to doctor appointments, I decided I'll write my list of fears, in order to give myself a few days to think about it, hear from others, and work on my plan. On the up side, this will be a talk only appointment. On the down side it will be at a new location. I'm not sure if that will be a bother.
 
Fears:
 
About the test results:
  • Bad news in my test results.
  • Nothing found in my test results.
  • Inconclusive test results, meaning I have to have more testing.
  • Any of those things can happen. By pure odds alone, at least one of them is likely to happen. It's also possible the test results will clearly reveal something treatable. I am hoping for that.
  • If the results indicate something bad, I guess I will deal with that as I have always dealt with suffering.
  • If everything comes back normal I will struggle with the shame of seeking care when I didn't needed it. My mom will be proven right. My fear will be proven entirely imagined. It will be devastating. This is the worst possible outcome.
  • If the tests are inconclusive, I will be dismayed and worried. I will feel resistant to taking the next step and facing this anxiety all over again.
About my reaction to being seen by a doctor:
  • I could have a panic attack.
  • I could dissociate.
  • My sense is that neither of these is terribly likely because she won't be touching me this time. Still, I have enough fear yet that these things remain possible.
About things that might happen or come up:
  • If she asks whether anything new is going on with me. If she asks how I'm doing. Will I tell her about my neck/shoulder/wrist?
  • If she wants to examine me again at an upcoming appointment.
  • I don't want to be challenged about the approach I'm taking to dealing with the pain in my left arm. I know I'm taking a very slow approach, but it's all I can handle right now. I'm more worried about how I would feel talking about it because at the moment the treatment is more about helping me feel my emotions than helping fix the pain I'm feeling in my arm. I guess I feel ashamed about my emotional issues standing in the way of taking care of a problem, and the fact that I am living with a good deal of physical pain because of it. Not to mention the fact that it could get worse because of the delay.
  • At some point she'll need to examine me again, but probably not until after I've been receiving treatment for a certain amount of time. She'll need to see if the treatment is working. Additionally, I know having her examine me again will be another healing step. My T has recommended more exposure in a systematic way, to desensitize me.
 
Of note: I am less afraid this time than last time.



Hang on to that last line Intrepid. That is a good one.

A gentle challenge on one point. If nothing is found it does NOT prove your mum right. What is proves is you care enough about yourself to seek out an answer to a physical issue that was causing you distress. It proves you are starting to value yourself. Excuse the crude London vernacular, but sod your mother- her voice in your mind sounds like the voice of your inner bitch to me. Or if you prefer a transactional analysis approach - she is the voice of your bad parent.

((((Safe hugs))))
What Mand said.

:hug:

Good work here.

A thought... have you considered having someone come with you to the appointment?  Perhaps your doctor friend?   Would this make you feel safer?

Photo
yarnfoolishness
Apr 21 2014 12:19 PM

What Mand said.

 

I've had a very good doctor for the past 3 years.  He helped me to get 'over' the same thing that you are worried about.  Namely, if the test results show nothing.  My default reaction was exactly the same as yours.  Now - that old message isn't 'gone', but it's a pale transparent shadow of what it once was.

 

The 'rule' I function under now with regards to health care is this: 

The doctors are trained professionals.  I do not have a doctor's training.  Therefore.

.......IT IS OK FOR ME TO CONSTULT THE 'TRAINED PROFESSIONAL' WHEN I HAVE SYMPTOMS.

I have to leave the question - "Can the doctor do anything about my symptoms?" - out of the equation because I don't know unless I ask. 

 

The shame that we have that is attached to "going to the doctor when there's nothing they can do for you" is nonsense.  How do we know unless we ask?  I know the shame feelings are horrible and overwhelming, but they ARE based on old messages, not facts.

 

:hug:

Photo
intrepidshe
Apr 21 2014 07:15 PM

Hang on to that last line Intrepid. That is a good one.

A gentle challenge on one point. If nothing is found it does NOT prove your mum right. What is proves is you care enough about yourself to seek out an answer to a physical issue that was causing you distress. It proves you are starting to value yourself. Excuse the crude London vernacular, but sod your mother- her voice in your mind sounds like the voice of your inner bitch to me. Or if you prefer a transactional analysis approach - she is the voice of your bad parent.

((((Safe hugs))))

 

Mand,

 

I laughed out loud to the point of tears reading that! My mom would pop my mouth if I said that! We could say any American curse word and she didn't care. But, if one of us said "sod" . . . I shiver thinking about it. It was fun to imagine saying that to her now.

 

Also, I'm glad you said that about my inner bitch (bad parent). I forget she's in there and still makes a lot of noise. I like thinking of her in these terms. She seems more part of me than an immutable memory. This way I can change her role.

Photo
intrepidshe
Apr 21 2014 07:17 PM

A thought... have you considered having someone come with you to the appointment?  Perhaps your doctor friend?   Would this make you feel safer?

 

I actually did think about it. And she offered to. But, she's out of town this week. I would have to wait another month if I reschedule.

 

I think I will ask her, though, for a future appointment if I still feel afraid.

Photo
intrepidshe
Apr 21 2014 07:20 PM

What Mand said.

 

I've had a very good doctor for the past 3 years.  He helped me to get 'over' the same thing that you are worried about.  Namely, if the test results show nothing.  My default reaction was exactly the same as yours.  Now - that old message isn't 'gone', but it's a pale transparent shadow of what it once was.

 

The 'rule' I function under now with regards to health care is this: 

The doctors are trained professionals.  I do not have a doctor's training.  Therefore.

.......IT IS OK FOR ME TO CONSTULT THE 'TRAINED PROFESSIONAL' WHEN I HAVE SYMPTOMS.

I have to leave the question - "Can the doctor do anything about my symptoms?" - out of the equation because I don't know unless I ask. 

 

The shame that we have that is attached to "going to the doctor when there's nothing they can do for you" is nonsense.  How do we know unless we ask?  I know the shame feelings are horrible and overwhelming, but they ARE based on old messages, not facts.

 

hug.gif

 

Yes! Yes! That's right. I know it but I struggle to hold it. I need to remember that those old messages are abuse. If they determine my actions, I am still being abused. I have the ability today to make choices around what that voice says to me.

 

I need to stand up for Little Intrepid the way I would if those voices said the same thing to one of my kids.

 

Woe unto the one who said any such thing to one of my kids. That needs to be true for me as well.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

October 2014

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
1920212223 24 25
262728293031 

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.