Pandora's Aquarium: What don't you like about yourself? - Pandora's Aquarium

My T asked me this last week and I wasn't able to answer her. She wanted me to use my voice so she wouldn't let me write it down. I just sat there. I don't know why it's so difficult to speak out loud. Anyway, here's what I came up with today...


Why don’t you like yourself? What don’t you like about yourself?

Let’s start with the physical…
I hate my body. I’ve gained a ton of weight over the past few years and I feel like a fat pig. But I also hated being skinny, because I got more attention from people, which I’d rather not have. Conundrum.

I hate my stupid curly hair. It’s a pain in the ass. I’ve had it short, I’ve had it long, and I’ve had it straight. It doesn’t matter; it’s fucking annoying and requires way too much work. So I usually put it in a ponytail or bun, which I also hate, because my forehead is gigantic…

I hate my face. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly. I have my father’s big nose, my ears stick out, and as I’ve said, I have a huge forehead, not to mention the double chin I’ve got going on these days. But ok, I do actually like my blue eyes. Go me.

I hate my skin. Though no one has ever diagnosed me, I’m pretty sure I have keratosis pilaris, which means that I produce too much keratin, which plugs up my hair follicles producing bumps on my skin. Gross. I have little bumps all over my arms and legs, which is one reason why I don’t like to wear shorts or bathing suits. It also does not help with the urge to pick at my skin when anxious. It gives me something to pick at, which I go crazy with. They turn into scabs, which I then feel the need to pick off. So I go in this fucking cycle of pick, scab, pick, scab, and so on… It’s oh so good looking.

So I don’t like when people look at me, because I’m fat, disgusting, and ugly.

Moving along to the non-physical…
I panic over the stupidest things, which makes me feel ridiculous and stupid.

I always feel like people are looking at me or judging me, which is completely self-centered.

I have a tendency to correct people’s grammar, because it bugs the shit out of me when it’s used incorrectly. Makes me seem like an arrogant know-it-all.

I hate that even though I don’t really care about what people think about me, I constantly worry about how people perceive me and I don’t take criticism well.

I hate that I can’t seem to get my intellectual self and my emotional self to agree on anything. I know one thing, but feel something completely different.


I’m sure there’s more to add to this list, but for now, I’m done…