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Healing Journaling (related to recent breakup...)

Posted by chantel2012 , 09 July 2012 · 80 views

Remember when we used to fall asleep in each other's arms to the sounds of thunder? It was our lullaby... Lying here listening to it, alone, kills me. Even though you're only a staircase away it feels like you are a million miles away. All I want to do is bound up those stairs and fade away in your arms. Those moments were perfect. They were pure. I felt so safe and loved when you held me. I felt wanted. I felt complete. I felt at peace. My thoughts melted away. The only thing that mattered was that moment we shared in each other's arms and the thought that we would share many more to come. Look how wrong we were. I lost my best friend. I lost my love. I lost my partner. And you are so unaffected. You have no idea how lucky you are. I wish I were unaffected. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't love. Love is cruel; but not having you in my life is even crueler.

I am sorry I let what he did ruin me. Ruin us. I was looking through your fb wall and I went back months ago, back to just after it happened. A post I made on your wall said something to the effect of, "Even in these terrible times and what has happened, we will one day look back in amazement of how it almost, but didn't tear us apart." Your reply was this, "It never has even come close to tearing us apart babe." ...... Well, look, it did. What he did to me changed me. I changed and you didn't know how to deal. I became angry and bitter. Unlovable. I hate it. It is hard to remember what I was like before the r*pe. I just know we were genuinely happy. We loved each other. You LOVED me. I became so scared of s*x and even kissing and hugging and sometimes cuddling freaked me out. Now, looking back, had I of known our time together was so limited, maybe I wouldn't have taken those precious moments of love for granted. Maybe I would have pushed through the pain and fear, because all I wanna do now is hug you and be close, and you can hardly even look at me. I am sorry I went to his house that night baby, I am so sorry I got drunk and that I let him hurt me. I will never forgive myself. I was stupid. I am still stupid. I am sorry.

Heartbreak is awful.


People keep telling me to find my happy place. That if I find my happy place I will be happy again...

What if my only happy place has been taken from me? What if my happy place was the one place I could escape from my demons and secrets; the one place I could find solace and comfort? What if my happy place made me feel truly loved, wanted, accepted, and "at home"? What if my happy place was my love and my everything?

Well, now, my only happy place is gone. I am alone. I have so many things to face alone. People tell me to "choose to be happy". Psh. Yeah right. I wish they could be where I am at right now. Then, maybe they wouldn't be so fast to judge me.

And you want to know what the worst part of it is? My happy place is acting like everybody else. My happy place is acting like like I am invisible now. My happy place even said I should "choose to be happy" despite knowing that the only happiness in my life was my happy place. You were my happy place. You still are. How can you act like this?! How!!!???

I connected with you on a level I have NEVER connected with anybody. You just gave up; after barely trying. I dealt with nursing school, the after effects of being raped, the sh*t it brought back up from my childhood, us, you, my parents and my sister, and countless other things. And not once did I think of breaking up in order to deal with it all. It wasn't an option. YOU were my future. How could I break up with my future?...... And all you are dealing with is school; granted it is hard. It isn't near as hard as what I was dealing with. What I have dealt with my whole life but especially lately. And still, the first thing that came to your mind was to break up because it just got too hard. It got a little bit tough and you quit. You are a quitter. And, I still love you. I cannot imagine life without you. You were not only my love! YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!!!!! Really my only friend. I could talk to you about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!!!

So, it makes sense that I am hurting right now. It makes sense I feel betrayed and am angry. And you of all people tell me "These things happen. It is normal. Too bad it had to happen to us but it did. You have to get up and keep moving." I understand that! Really I do but I don't understand how you can be so matter of fact about it and stoic! FFS!!!

I have been having dreams about you almost every night! We are lying in bed and you are holding me. We are happy. It is like it was just a month ago. Or more like how we were 6 months ago. Before the r*pe. Anyway, I wake up thinking that the breakup is the nightmare and the dream is real. I roll over in bed and tell you hello and that I love you but you are not there. I am alone. I then cry myself back to sleep.

The other dreams are about that "night". Him r*ping me. I dream about you and him every other night. You. Him. You. Him. It is a never ending cycle.

I am now always at my house with my parents. The one place I avoided at all possible when I was with you because I could escape by going to your house. Now, I am forced to be at my house. And your mother said I am welcome at your (their) house, but when I go I am unhappy there too... because all I want to do is have you hold me or watch TV with you or just hug you. Anything. The whole house is a painful reminder of what I no longer have: my love, my life, my best friend, my partner, my everything... Posted Image The one place I could truly be happy makes me miserable like my home. Now, I truly have no where to go. There is no where I can be happy, loved, or accepted.

I am so miserable. I am so confused. I am so beside myself. I hate life. Love is cruel. Life is cruel. I want to die some days. F*ck...

And this is only the sadness I can put into words. There is so much more I can't even verbalize. I cannot verbalize some of what I am feeling because I am not sure there is even words for some of what I am feeling insde. I just know this pain is unbearable.


I need something. I need my somebody. I need him. I miss him. Last night I went to his Facebook and looked at all of our pictures together. We were so happy. It seems like a lifetime ago. I had a spark in my eye back then. And you, oh you with that happy radiant smile. You shone like the fire that was in your soul. I was your fire. We were each other's fire. Now, looking at myself now, looking at recent pictures... I am still smiling but that spark is gone. That carefree spark and love for life and laughter is gone. That "night" 6 months ago changed me. Changed me so much. I was in denial. I was. But what he did changed me and it affected us. You. I am sorry. I will never forgive myself for what happened. When he took me that night he destroyed all of the progress that I had made from my childhood issues. Every bit of progress I had made was wiped clean. Gone. It changed me. I am so sorry baby. I love you. I am angry that you didn't try to help me at all to heal yes, but still, I am angry at myself for giving you the burden to have to try and help me heal in the first place. I am no good. I am hopeless. I am futile. Vile. Angry. Bitter. Ugly.


Thank you to all who read these entries... Sorry if they are too pathetic and stuff... I just wanted to get how I was feeling out here... I actually wrote these all within a few days time when my emotions and memories were really eating at me... These were probably written about a a month ago or more... It is so hard to process that we have already been broken up for almost 2 months... It is sad but I am a lot better than I was... I still feel I have a void in my heart though... I still cry myself to sleep some nights... I still roll over in bed thinking I am not alone but only to realize I am completely alone... I get lonely... I miss him... We had an engagement ring picked out... It was soooo gorgeous... Oh well... Thanks everybody ♥

* You all need not reply to this necessarily, but you can if you want or if you have comforting words. God knows I need them. I just need to write this down and get out my feelings. Like a virtual diary. I can come back and look at this if need be. My mom searches me room... I can't write it down in the traditional way...

Much love, your friend, Chantel ♥

So many emotions correlate with how I feel concerning the message I sent you a few moments ago. I think you don't need to minimise your pain, or resign yourself to a life without happiness. I have found that true happiness can only be found within myself, and only once I have found myself and learned how to see the good in me and love me, could I truly be able to love someone else. It has been both a painful and facinating journey finding the real me who has been caged away because of my past. I don't mean anything personally, and only take what you need from this, what might help you heal, or may encourage you. I still struggle, I'm still in pain, but I have felt happiness too (and I thought that would never happen again). Take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone and that you are worth it :)

July 2016

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