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It's beginning to sink in that I've been skating - that I've done no real work in several years, and far from my thinking that "I'm so much better," the fact is, I'm deeply into denial and avoidance.
Avoidance has been my number one tool of denial. I live alone, I don't go anywhere but work and necessary shopping, I dress in a baggy and non-descriptive fashion, I have one friend. I don't watch commercial TV, I don't rent movies, I don't listen to music anymore. I've just stopped.
Hyper-vigilant? I don't have to be if I'm not exposed to anything. I hate shopping. I avoid it as much as possible. I go to the smallest stores and make do, because I can get in and out quickly. I buy my clothes without thought to appearance (so I tell myself), usually from the men's department. I order one pair of Birks online a year. I don't buy or use make-up or anything for my short hair, other than shampoo, conditioner and hairspray (to keep it from moving).
All of this is coming up because of the hospital visit I fled. I guess I'm hyper-vigilant about avoiding triggers.
I don't feel weird about it, just sad. And tired. I'm so tired of being disappointed with myself. I'm tired of all the effort it takes to get through the day. I'm tired of hating waking up to face another day. I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
I dread starting counseling again, though I know the first steps are the hardest, and after a while, I'll start feeling more alive again. I guess I should do it now.
Wish me well, and safe hugs to you all.
Avoidance has been my number one tool of denial. I live alone, I don't go anywhere but work and necessary shopping, I dress in a baggy and non-descriptive fashion, I have one friend. I don't watch commercial TV, I don't rent movies, I don't listen to music anymore. I've just stopped.
Hyper-vigilant? I don't have to be if I'm not exposed to anything. I hate shopping. I avoid it as much as possible. I go to the smallest stores and make do, because I can get in and out quickly. I buy my clothes without thought to appearance (so I tell myself), usually from the men's department. I order one pair of Birks online a year. I don't buy or use make-up or anything for my short hair, other than shampoo, conditioner and hairspray (to keep it from moving).
All of this is coming up because of the hospital visit I fled. I guess I'm hyper-vigilant about avoiding triggers.
I don't feel weird about it, just sad. And tired. I'm so tired of being disappointed with myself. I'm tired of all the effort it takes to get through the day. I'm tired of hating waking up to face another day. I'm tired of not being able to sleep.
I dread starting counseling again, though I know the first steps are the hardest, and after a while, I'll start feeling more alive again. I guess I should do it now.
Wish me well, and safe hugs to you all.
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I appreciate the feedback and energy. It is so helpful to be here.