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We never left a place without him. Some days we would get desperate and think of going home.
One day n started to become ill. Her temperature was all over the place. We needed an ambulance. N was weak and exhausted. Doctors asked why she had so many previous breaks in her bones and studied her as she still shook in the night. We were questioned to where our parents were. Somehow k was contacted to our whereabouts. When he turned up at the hospital, he acted the family man role. Even now i am so angry that this was never questioned.
For several years, the memory of n whispering no over and over and c running down the corridor was the last i saw of them.
my mother who neither of us recognised took me away. i had dreamed of this for years but not like that. I met my full sister g and my dad. I had no way of contacting them and would search numbers and the internet. Like my brother and sister wanted, i carried on my education. I got A* grades much to everyone's surprise. i would write imaginary letters everyday to n and c.
My self harming became worse and i would make myself sick. These are still things i worry about. I felt the control but also felt the need to be punished. if i could be sick it also made me feel like i was washing the dirtyness from inside me. My life had turned around and i should have been happy.
i would get drunk most nights and take drugs with my boyfriend, j. He was five years older than me. I remember waking up in a random field with my clothes all ripped. Alone. The never knowing and ability to lose control of a situation, terrified me and still does.
i stayed at js house for the majority of the time. Something that i thought was beautiful turned into a disaster. My grades slipped dramatically and i lost my scholarship. J became violent but i thought i deserved it. Yet i still didn't go home and i don't know why.
I was made to look at my reflection in a mirror and see how ugly i was, repeating everything for hours. He would smash my face into it.
I just couldn't think of a way to escape this hell I was failing and couldn't see the happiness in anything. I couldn't go through with su. Now i know that someone was pulling me back to find n.
i moved back to my mums. i feel some guilt that i had left her and used her. i still don't feel that bond or respect mutually. i think mums idea of love and forgiveness was material things towards me. yet she is exceptionally great with my sister.
j would stalk the house and leave gifts. from his own cds or jewellery. i felt awful but i couldn't go back.
Things settled and things were getting brighter. I re sat my exams and passed. My relationship with my mum improved. I had managed to find a number for k but not for my sister. I will never regret ringing because i saw my brother and sister again.
my mum warned me that if i rang, i would be disowned. I visited him. I was terrified but i wanted to see them. I thought a surprise visit would be best, i envisioned k would have some plan. i should of walked away knowing he had friends around. they were drunk. k told me i was treated as i was because he was a messenger of the lord and he wanted me to be accustomed to the hell i would be sent to. bulls*t on so many levels.
i was told i could have the number if i introduced myself. my drink had been spiked. i fell in and out of sleep. everytime my eyes opened, there was a different man. i could feel everything but i couldn't physically move. i genuinely thought this was the end.
When i was able to move, the house was empty. a number left as a note. my arm was and still is, branded with k's name and parts of my hair was in clumps on the floor. money was in my bra which heightened how disgusting i felt.
i ran for signal. there was no answer. i felt defeated. then my phone lit up. i heard her voice. that feeling has been the best one in years. the worst thing i found out was that she lived so close to my mums house and no one had an clue.
i was there straight away, my drive across the counties had never been so quick. i arrived and she knew already what had happened. c had ran to the police. she said nothing significant came from it. she never got away from the abuse and c had relied heavily on drugs. locks were put on everyone of k's doors. that was all she ever said. c had managed to runaway. n never felt any anger towards that openly. she told me c had come back for her and they stayed at his friends. that was all i ever knew.
c was living in a flat in the city. i lived with n and carried on at college. i met a boy who was lovely towards me but i was scared to go back towards any kind of relationship. i later did. i focussed on studying even though i couldn't bare classes so i often skipped them. i looked forward to going back to n every day. she would play the guitar but i knew she felt broken.
there is another part of this story that i cant tell yet.
i came in one day to hear music jammed on the cd player. the flat turned upside down. i still remember the song. i had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. i found n in the bath. she was so cold and alone. this i cant say much about. i pulled and hugged her. it was too late, she had gone and i never heard her. k had turned up at the funeral and made a talk in the church.
i moved in with my boyfriend and his sister. i told him i had been r*ped and about n. that is all he knows. i go to university. a few months in c committed su. his dad was never to be seen
Source: I never saved them, 2.