Conversations with my T in my head
"My need for the love I received.
It is so disturbing.
It is wrong.
But without it,
Who would I now be?
Was it so very wrong?
Does it surprise you?
Do I now repulse you?"
I was going to give this poem to my T last session, but for the first time ever, I completely forgot to take my file with me. And this speaks to me of resistance. And I believe the resistance revolves around these few lines of writing. So I decided I needed to explore this, as it makes me so very uncomfortable.
What this screams to me is the need for my T to express the disgust, the revulsion, that I am unable to feel about my past. I could hear myself saying to her: "If you can be disgusted, revolted, with me, with my situation, then that's ok, because it means I won't then have to". And I am paused to wonder at this........Is this because if she can say that she is not revolted by me - as a person - but by what happened to me - does it then give me permission to feel revulsion too? But actually, I am afraid to get angry, to not take the blame, say the fault is not mine. Because then it has to be his. I can feel a strange feeling in the centre of my chest as I write this. My brow is furrowing. Tears are coming to my eyes..... I feel like I am stuck in a strange prison where by I loved him so very much, that the though of feeling revolted by him scares me - because I don't want to lose my love for him.......Because I am worried that by doing so, I will lose an important part of myself........
I am going to have to stop. I suddenly feel distant. My head is spinning. But I sense a great truth is here. In these thoughts.