Help
Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
I truly don't know what is wrong with me. I think my soul has withered and dried up of any thing that made it a viable spiritual human entity.
I remember once being able to make jokes and try to make others feel at ease... even when I had been through and was going through some pretty horrendous things.
I remember hope. I had hope that I would conquer the demons of all of the things that had been done to me. I had hope that the days of being marginalized and victimized were past me. I had hope that I finally had people in my life that cared for me and would not hurt me as so many before had done. Hope was stolen by people whom I thought would understand the tenuous grip that a survivor has on hope and trust.
I mentioned trust. To have all of my trust smashed alongside my hope was the hardest of all.
To share some of the acts that were perpetrated upon me is in many ways more intimate than what a lot of people share with a boyfriend or casual sex partner. I know many survivors who are unable to talk to their spouses about the details of their attacks/abuse.
When I garnered the courage to share some of my story, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When the people that I shared it with shortly after trampled all over me, the hurt was far greater and shame evoking than the original attack.
The person who was able to find funny and jokes amongst the pain is gone now. Left in the wake is a person who only thinks of death. I think about how I want one person who has hurt me to truly understand how much they have.
I have really disturbing thoughts all of the time now. Things I would have never have thought before.
I remember once being able to make jokes and try to make others feel at ease... even when I had been through and was going through some pretty horrendous things.
I remember hope. I had hope that I would conquer the demons of all of the things that had been done to me. I had hope that the days of being marginalized and victimized were past me. I had hope that I finally had people in my life that cared for me and would not hurt me as so many before had done. Hope was stolen by people whom I thought would understand the tenuous grip that a survivor has on hope and trust.
I mentioned trust. To have all of my trust smashed alongside my hope was the hardest of all.
To share some of the acts that were perpetrated upon me is in many ways more intimate than what a lot of people share with a boyfriend or casual sex partner. I know many survivors who are unable to talk to their spouses about the details of their attacks/abuse.
When I garnered the courage to share some of my story, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When the people that I shared it with shortly after trampled all over me, the hurt was far greater and shame evoking than the original attack.
The person who was able to find funny and jokes amongst the pain is gone now. Left in the wake is a person who only thinks of death. I think about how I want one person who has hurt me to truly understand how much they have.
I have really disturbing thoughts all of the time now. Things I would have never have thought before.
Share This Entry:
Slower likes this
2 Comments On This Entry
Page 1 of 1
I hope you can talk to your doctor hun and get some support in place perhaps meds to help pull you out of that darkness hugs
Remember that you are a survivor. You're strong. Please don't let it pull you under, keep your head up because you're brilliant. You must keep going to prove them all wrong.
Peace and Love To You
Sister Survivor,
Kim