checking in :) phew what a journey so far...
i don't know if 'accepting' it is the right phrase to use, but i have started to learn how to put it behind me and to move forward, focusing on the now and not constantly staring back at the past and longing for the future. looking for positive, constructive ways to improve my life. some of the most valuable lessons i have learnt so far is...letting go of the SHAME and the BLAME. i've always felt partly responsible...'guilty' is a good word. And so many people have told me, it's not my fault blah blah blah. it's a case of 'easier said than done'. but understanding what happened and how what i did was what i did. and what happened...happened. and now i'm standing outside of the situation i can very well look back and say i should of...could of...would of...what if...but when i was in that moment, back then when i was 14..my mind went into survival mode and that is what i did.
other lessons i have learnt have been not assuming that because things didn't go well in the past, that is the way it will be forever. and in everyday life (massivly traumatic situations aside)...you can decide if things bother you. you can decide if your day sucks. it's your choice. no one elses. i choose for my days to be awesome. and for things to be great...and what i choose, eventually becomes what is.
it's such a beautiful feeling to be moving forward, confronting demons and letting some deep wounds from the past heal. i finally feel like i have my freedom of mind back.
MY MESSAGE TO ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO HAVEN'T FOUND PEACE OF MIND:
i know how it feels to be drowning in that deep dark abyss of nothingness, sometimes you sucked right under. and it feels like you'll never get out...or things will never change. sometimes it will feel like theres a shadow at your back and theres no where to go. i have felt these feelings, been in these places and been very afraid. ive done things im not proud of, i have had to learn about feelings i never knew i could feel. and i had to admit those feelings to myself. my main improvement through all this healing has been my thinking. my thought patters were constantly negative. and they can be negative without you even knowing. my mind controlled me, not the other way around. and also... if it feels like theres not going to be anyone on the other side of healing or if it's just a little to risky for you to try...i promise, it's like a rollercoaster. when you are climbing up there, it gets pretty scary and you get butterflies like crazy. and right before you are about to go down, you may regret going on the rollercoaster a little but then....you zoom down and you get the best feeling ever. it's worth it. what happened to me is stil there, but now it's behind me. i feel like chains have come off my shoulders and i can roam free....
Anyway, this has turned into a short novel lol. best be off. wishing all the best to all those beautiful survivors out there!!!