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I hate me -heavy Triggers-

Posted by vakry , 27 January 2014 · 185 views

As if I'm not dealing with enough. My partner I haven't seen in days (schedule conflicts). And he woke me up for sex this morning. I'd only been asleep maybe 2 hours before he woke me. He knows I don't sleep real good. I didn't fucking care. I just laid there and let him do what he wanted. He asked permission. I gave it. I didn't care. I told you. He's not my rapist just want that abundantly and crystal clear. I just really suck. And even worse after he helped me up so I could clean myself up. That's what I do as default if I wanted to lay there with a squishy feeling in my ass that's my prerogative. He was being wow I can't think of the word. He was helping me out. But in doing so he hugged me. I do NOT want to be hugged. I told you I'm a slut. I don't want cuddles, hugs, caresses. But sex is perfectly okay. So I tolerated that as long as I could and then brushed him off. I came back and just laid down. He did something he doesn't normally do. He cuddled up to me and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was cold and tired. He put blankets on me. Rubbed me to get me warm while my mind is screaming get the fuck off of me! Finally he did.He left for work. He called later I had no interest in doing our cutsey little hanging routine. So he knows I'm upset. He just doesn't understand why. He called to see if I was going to pick up his kid from school. Like I've never done that. I could be blizted to shit and I'll find a way that boy gets home safe from school. Not my first rodeo. In fact I had dropped off hours after being raped without anyone knowing a fucking thing.
 
In short I'm an asshole.



I find it hard to believe you are an asshole. I see that you are hurting and unfortunately like most people in our lives your boyfriend just doesn't understand. Can they really without being in our shoes? I don't know. You are not alone. I know that with my PTSD and this raging roller coaster that I'm on I probably come off as a b*tch often to my husband and its everything I can do to try not to lash out (verbally) at my kids at times when they act up and I'm stressed. Stress takes me from 0-200 in like 3 seconds but anyways I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I also have had some difficulty staying in the present when I have been intimate with my husband this last week or 2. Sucks wanting and trying to have sex and trying to fend off flashbacks at the same time luckily I did keep them at bay but it has been a long time since I had that almost happen.

Have you figured out any rational reasons why you should hate yourself?  

 

I can't think of many valid reasons why a person should hate themselves, only the most evil, soul destroying bastards have the right to feel that amount of self hate.  Funny thing is, they usually don't feel it or are in severe denial about it.

 

We all have made mistakes, sometimes terrible ones.  Most people here have at least gone through periods of depression, confusion, anger... that doesn't make us bad.  We're only human and on top of that we've had A LOT to deal with.

 

I had been taught to hate myself, that I was worthless and not worth love.  Not only verbally, but through their actions.  Those were lies imprinted in my psyche by sick people.  I don't know your history, but I know I'm not the only one.  Try to heal and be nicer and more loving to yourself than the person/people who tried to destroy you.

 

Since hugs might not be appropriate at this time, I'll send you telepathic good vibes (I'm not psychic :))    I'm rooting for you no matter how low you fall!

I hate I can't cuddle. I want to! I need to too but if I do too long my skin crawls I get fight or flight paired with nausea force the issue I will vomit or at least retch so that's not at all romantic can thank my sick twisted uncle for my intimacy issues. It's been 13 years! I wanna fix this!


Ya good luck ... Can't heal with bitch mounting me at will.
I use nasty words for her but uncle is sick and twisted hahaha 4-13!!!!! Bitch been only working on me since June
Sorry. So sorry I'm nasty selfish place. I really appreciate the responses.
Vakry, I'm sorry you are struggling. You aren't a slut or an asshole. You are a beautiful and complex individual. I know the struggle of wanting intimacy but being unable to cope or reciprocate it. You will find a way to resolve this. You will find a place and a time to establish positive associations with these things.
Last night I with two guys. :( consensual. I act out. I've been crazy horny after feeling used.

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