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Dehumanized (trigger, sex, dating)

Posted by etchasketch , 16 January 2012 · 80 views

I haven't written a blog in a while. A lot has happened. This guy i was dating all summer/part of fall (Was friends with for a long time before that...) admitted in october that he just wanted to keep me around to fuck me. I thought I loved him. I did love him. It was really difficult to know that someone I trusted so deeply could see me the same way my abusers see me. I broke off all contact. that was/is really hard.
After a period of self destructive promiscuity, I've started seeing someone new. He's really nice...so far. But honestly I feel like I am too depressed and too all over the place emotionally to date anyone. He assures me that he likes me, doesnt want me just for sex, but I don't know. We met because I went home with him from a bar. he didn't use protection. So he already knows I am nothing. We're hung out a few times. He takes me out..its nice..then I wake up in the morning with my skin crawling. Yesterday I woke up before he did and just lay there feeling so terrible. I don't even know this guy enough to be able to tell him whats wrong, or that I just wanted him to hold me. When he doesnt call me its that sickening feeling...I don't deserve to have someone call me, why would he call me when all he really wants to do is fuck me? I don't know what he wants. I don't want to be doing this.
I hate "dating" i hate whatever this is. I feel like its so easy and fun for most people. I don't feel like most people, I feel like something else. I don't even feel like a human most of the time..I feel like my abuse took that from me. Now I have to go on as something other than, less than. I feel like every guy can tell, I feel like that is what attracts abusers to me. Even if this guy seems nice now it will change, it always changes.

read this and it really got to me, especially the last few sentences
I've had people ask "what's wrong with you?" "who hurt you" "were you r*ped or something" "why are you scared of me" and I don't know how many of them were just jokes or if they really could like...see something in me. I'm always afraid that I'll attract creeps to me or something; that every man I come across has the potential to be evil or something.

REALLY I relate to you so much from this post, I hope you feel better...

July 2015

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