Help
(Edited by natasha at 6:50 pm on June 30, 2003)
Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
When asked: Why didn't you fight harder what do you say. *T*
#16 Guest__*
Posted 30 June 2003 - 04:46 PM
The only true response I could give anyone who would dare to ask me something like this now is: F*CK OFF!!!!!
#17 Guest_Lucia_*
Posted 21 June 2002 - 09:23 PM
i haven't been faced with that situation. no one has questioned me, but if they did, i wouldn't respond. it's nobody's buisness why i did or did not do something. it was my own personal choice, and i chose to stay around for my family. who knows if they would have went through with their threats to hurt me or my kids.
i believe that you did nothing wrong, and that you made the best choice. you don't need to remember to have a reason. your here still, you survived, whatever you had to do that is the best decision you could have made.
when people make rude comments, or ask you why you didn't fight harder, i honestly believe that those are the people who wouldn't be able to take what you went through. you're stronger than them. remind them that they have no room to talk, and until they're in the situation, God forbid, they cannot judge.
#18 Guest_raqueli_*
Posted 31 October 2002 - 03:28 PM
I think this is a pretty important thread, so I'm boosting...
#19
Posted 15 November 2002 - 02:36 AM
I wonder whether these ignorant people would ask the same question if we'd been mugged or the victims of armed robbery.
I used to justify it. There were nine altogether and only one of me. What hope did I have? I'm not some tough-bitch sumo wrestler. I could have been hurt worse etc etc.
It's all true, but it's all irrelevant. There should have been no need to fight, because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. But that fact seems to escape some people.
#20
Posted 06 June 2003 - 03:23 PM
"Did you fight?"
"Did you scream?"
"Why didn't you fight harder?"
"Did you scream?"
"Why didn't you fight harder?"
I have only heard these things a couple of times, but was shocked as #### to hear them at all. The first time someone asked, I just broke down in tears because it sounded like they were blaming me (I don't even care now whether they actually were or not). The second time I heard this question, I was angry and responded a la "Dear Abby": "yes, I fought and I screamed... right up until he stuck that sharp f*cking knife into my ribs, cut my stomach, and threatened to slit my throat..."
No response from the idiot who asked the question.
Lora
(Edited by whatsleftoflora at 5:25 pm on June 6, 2003)
(Edited by whatsleftoflora at 7:35 am on July 30, 2003)
#21 Guest_Yeowly_*
Posted 18 June 2002 - 12:21 PM
April,
I don't think that people who haven't gone thru something like this can really understand, it's not like they are trying to be mean, but they just don't get it. I mean, I have the same sort of question about an experience I had, and it's really hard......... I don't know. I guess I will just say this- don't let anyone make this less or more important than it is for you- everyone's experiences are different. AND DON'T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF!!!!!! I know that is so #### easy to say- but I hope you can try, I know I've doubted myself and that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with... I am still dealing with it. I hope this helped, even if just a little bit. And you know what- you don't need to justify anything to anyone but yourself- that's the most important thing- how you percieve it, how you feel about it. Sorry for rambling- hoping you are ok,
Kelly
I don't think that people who haven't gone thru something like this can really understand, it's not like they are trying to be mean, but they just don't get it. I mean, I have the same sort of question about an experience I had, and it's really hard......... I don't know. I guess I will just say this- don't let anyone make this less or more important than it is for you- everyone's experiences are different. AND DON'T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF!!!!!! I know that is so #### easy to say- but I hope you can try, I know I've doubted myself and that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with... I am still dealing with it. I hope this helped, even if just a little bit. And you know what- you don't need to justify anything to anyone but yourself- that's the most important thing- how you percieve it, how you feel about it. Sorry for rambling- hoping you are ok,
Kelly
#22 Guest__*
Posted 19 June 2002 - 07:01 AM
(((((((((((((((((((April))))))))))))))))))
I'm lucky, I have never heard that question (I haven't told too many people though) but I am sure if someone asked that, the convo would be over.
Noone has the right to make the survivor defend what they did or didn't do.
*You* were the victim, and not what *you* did was wrong, but what *he* did! You should never even have had to fight!
Possible answers for me could be:
Who are you to judge if I fought hard enough? Were you there with me?
I survived...is that not enough?
Oh good question...why did I just not stop someone who was 30 centimetres taller than me and twice my weight?
Why do you ask stupid questions like this?
What I find helpful in avoiding stupid questions is not giving out details...I don't talk about the other abuse unless I know there is someone who will understand, I just say "I have been raped" and refuse to give out any more info...when, where, how and with whom it happened is *my* business.
Art
#23
Posted 19 June 2002 - 09:09 AM
Very interesting thread...Why didn't I fight harder??? I guess I was scared. Most of the times I did fight I ended up getting hurt even worse, so I guess expirience told me that it wasn't worth it. I guess I came to a point of acceptance..as scary as that may sound I think that was what happend. I tried to fight, but I wasn't good at it either so giving up seemed like the right thing to do.
You don't have to deffend what you did...you did the only thing you could do at that very moment...no shame should be put on that.
Take care and thank you for posting
Stine
#24 Guest__*
Posted 19 June 2002 - 10:35 AM
((((Cherry))))
I like that response, I'll have to use that next time, cause I'm sure there will be a next time. I'm sorry your ex-friend asked you that questions.
Love Always!
#25 Guest_Ordinary Vanity_*
Posted 19 June 2002 - 08:54 PM
I can't believe someone is actually a$$inine enough to ask you this, hon
When people are violating us...when they are bigger, stronger, and we can't stop them by saying no...at that point, we do whatever it takes to get out of the situation. Fighting back "more" can be dangerous, or even get you killed...we have NO IDEA what someone who attacks us or violates us is truly capable of.
I was coerced into sex...I never said "no" but I didn't want it to happen and my actions said as much. He was much bigger than me, and I remember just "fading out"...distancing myself from the situation. I was in a strange city with a man I hardly knew...I didn't know HOW he would react if I struggled more, screamed, etc...he could have killed me, or beat the h*ll out of me. I might not ever have seen the people I loved again.
We were attacked...we could have DIED. We are survivors, and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. Ask your grandmother if she's even been attacked by someone bigger and stronger, utterly alone, with no way to free yourself from the situation without possibly risking your life.
Again...what an a$$inine question. ((((((hugs))))), for having to listen to her sh*t. hon. You don't deserve that kind of "help".
#26 Guest_Em_*
Posted 20 June 2002 - 01:37 PM
Would it be ok with all the posters in this thread if I moved it to 'Wonderful Threads', bearing in mind that forum is open to the public?
If not could you PM me asap.
:)
Emma
#27
- Kicking arsenic
- Group: Administrator
- Posts: 15,513
- Joined: 15-November 01
Posted 21 June 2002 - 01:15 AM
T for swearing
Maaike, your T is not worth a knob of goat-shit, mate. I'm sorry you had to hear that in; fact I'm sorry anybody has to.
At this stage of my healing I've learned to understand properly that I don't have to justify myself; people either believe me or they don't. If they don't they can fuck off. But....questions or inferences like that still find a home in that part of me that revives itself now and then and asks me why I didn't resist more strenuously.
Since you are my sisters and have posed the question in a different sense to ignorant assholes, once I discontinued the fight because I knew he would beat on me severely, and because I had a sleeping child in the room. I needed to survive. The two times I fought strenuously, he actually did beat shit out of me. But what is this fighting shit anyway? Indicators that you don't want it and continued activity from him states clearly that he had every intention of getting what he wanted.
How would I answer people? It would depend who was asking and how. Some ignoramus full of flatulent rape-myths who has no intention of learning anything would be told that I have nothing to justify to them. Or to go and take a flying fuck at him/herself.
If it was posed in terms of a genuine desire to know what can prevent a person from fighting back (but had nothing to do with unkindness or rewounding) I'd be happy to do business with them.
(((((((((((Sisters))))))))))))) I'm glad you've survived.
Love
Lou xxxxxx
#28 Guest__*
Posted 05 October 2002 - 04:01 AM
The answers in this thread are wonderful. I would like to add one more response:
Why is it that trained and heavily armed soldiers, who are surrounded by thousands of fellow men who ARE fighting and who are defending their countries and their best buddies will go into shell shock and not fight at all in the middle of critical battles? Why didn't THEY fight harder?
You could even add that 60% of the British casualties in WW I were shell shock victims, not men who were physically injured. It happens a lot.
And I want to emphasize that I am not criticizing those soldiers. The military recognizes PTSD as one of the major consequences of any battle. (They keep these traumatized soldiers away from the press, but just visit a veteran's hospital sometime.) Extreme fear can lead to trauma, and even people whose entire job is to fight sometimes don't do so. Its not their fault. And if someone who is not an armed and trained soldier is attacked without warning, the odds for freezing/PTSD naturally go way up.
Its no one's fault if it happens to them. It is a survival mechanism. In the right circumstances, almost anyone could have a similar traumatized reaction.
#29 Guest__*
Posted 06 November 2002 - 11:06 PM
*CAUTION - MAY TRIGGER*
A therapist asked you that? That's gotta suck. Luckily, I've never had a therapist cross that line. But the fucking police! I want to kill them. This (police) man sat next to me in my own goddamn dorm roon, just the two of us with his fucking lap full of pictures of parts of me that no one sees but my shower curtain and he said "why did you do this?" Fuck you. If "I" did that would you honestly be sitting in my dorm right now? Why didn't I fight back? Not even fight "harder," I didn't fight at all. And believe me, I hear the question every day from those #### voices in my head. Fucking police! I hate them so much. They were always men. "But you could have requested a woman..." Yeah, do I look like the type to stand up for myself and assert my interests? Do I look like the type of girl who would say, um I really don't feel comfortable being in this confined space alone with you, being as how you weigh at least twice as much as I do, and if you poked me I'd fall down. Obviously if that was the case I wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. AARGH!!!
Sorry. But I do feel a little better now.
#30
- Group: Member
- Posts: 1,229
- Joined: 03-December 02
Posted 22 December 2002 - 05:03 PM
I answer with two simple words - f*ck you! And trust me, it definitely gets a reaction...
Lisa
