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Chaos Be Still

Posted by YoursTruly , 24 February 2012 · 22 views

So I had my first T session in nearly a month and unfortunately that whole day just went up in flames for me. The rottenness of it sort of sparked from the day before when I had one anxiety attack and two separate panic attacks. The anxiety attack coming from me suspecting that a random car sitting outside my house for half an hour only to drive off after I walked out belonged to this guy I know that has been trying to get in contact with me and I've been ignoring him on purpose because he both creeps me out and stresses me out. I came to that conclusion because when I first met him 4 years ago, when he didn't have a car he walked 4 hours in extreme conditions just to confirm that my address was correct and I wasn't expecting him. I half expect him to do it again.After calming myself down I finally let go of the notion that it was him and driving into work I was stopped on two separate occasions by the police, although they were trying to get the cars behind me. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt completely overwhelmed because it all happened before noon.

Then the day of my T session my best friend from college is going through a really difficult situation with her now ex-boyfriend/fiance whatever the hell they were. I was fine going into my T session because she was just driving down to their apartment to talk to the guy and then as soon as I get out my session it turned into she is trying to pack the rest of her belongings in her rental but the guy won't let her back in the apartment to get her purse, which has her important belongings. The dude is yelling at her and her phone cuts off in the middle of her trying to explain she just wants to get her purse and go and I freak out because she nor the guy were answering my calls after her phone cut off.

I already was not in good space because after talking with my T. She wants to do more diagnostic testing on my depression. She suspects that it maybe chronic and that I may have some personality traits that are keeping me from overcoming my depression. But she also wants me to consider anti-depressants coupled with our sessions. I have no clue really how to feel or process that. I don't feel like what I am currently going through warrants me considering taking anti-depressants.

But eventually my friend did call me back and like I half suspected, when her phone hung up on me it was because the guy tried to attack her (his roommates kept him off of her) and she had called the police on him (he already has a pending charge because of what he did to her last summer)and I really wish that they would have done more than take him to the police station to get a statement for a report. But half of that desire I know is coming more from the me that was hurt 2 years ago by a former friend that I wished I had reported to the police than it is about me wanting justice for my friend.

I haven't slept in nearly 24 hours and from all the emotions swimming on inside of me, I can feel every hour I haven't slept. I am so tired. I wish trouble would take a vacation or break or something so that I can try to clean up some of the mess it made and find the energy to deal with it while I am at it. The only thing that has been keeping me steady is humming some of the songs I think about or sing when I wake up from nightmares. Which I consider to be a bad thing if I am now regarding my waking life as a nightmare.

I sincerely pray that all of this will pass and God will bless me with His mercy in the gift of sleep and peace.




When experiencing sleep deprivation the world seems crazy and all that happens becomes bigger than life. I know cuz I experience it often myself. Indeed, you have chaos going on all around you when you are trying to heal and maintain a sane life.

I too resisted antidepressants up til my meltdown. Taking antidepressants and/or antianxiety meds (I currently take both) help with sleep and coping and they don't have to be a forever thing.

I hope you take good care of you and peaceful sleep finds you very soon. Blessings
@bellachai: Thank you so much for your blessings. I can't stand the choke hold sleep deprivation has on my life right now. I really just want to sleep and not cat nap (1-3 hour rest). I don't want to have a meltdown to find out that maybe antidepressants/anti anxiety meds maybe the route I need to take for a little while. I guess it was just a big shock to me that my life has gotten so out of hand that I am being asked to consider taking those medications to help keep me stable. I do know quite a bit about them as I had to spend an entire semester doing research on them. It just really felt like my T was talking to somebody else that wasn't me about having to take it while I am listening going she's talking about me.

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