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A Series of Unfortunate Events

Posted by JadeAngel , 06 November 2008 · 212 views

Well this is my first blog here. Not my first in general, as I've tried opening other blogs but i never seem to end up posting anything. I have a strange fascination with journals, notebooks, and anything with emptiness i can write on. So my husband often gets frustrated at how many dozens of empty notebooks i have bought, yet i never write in. I guess there's just so much i want to let out, that i feel a notebook would help, but when i put pen to paper, it just never seems to want to come out of me. and so i get another notebook hoping i can fill that one. but at most i write one page and stop. i do have one notebook, my favorite... that i have written quite a bit in. but even that has not seen the light of day for nearly a year now.

I guess i will start young and make more blogs, because it's too complicated... my life. How can i even begin to describe these things. I'd say i did have a hard life. but i didn't. does that make sense? well i constantly have to weigh out the good and the bad. i know the good was definitely not worth the bad, but most people often times only see one part of me. talking to someone in my family is like talking to someone that is walking on eggshells around you. it feels like, when someone you really loved just died, and so everyone is very careful what they say and do around you, yet they try not to let you see it.

I guess i just end up playing out my fate. Since before i was conceived fate already had a prickly plan in mind for me. I might mention here, that one could argue that my mother had a much much harder life than me. and i would never argue that. but my mother has made her fair share of mistakes, and though i do not blame her, some things will always frustrate me.

First of all i never knew my biological father. Apparently he was a drunk. and though mom will not admit it, i know he was physically abusive. i know he cheated on my mother, i know he was a worthless man. so from my perspective as a child. this is how it worked out. Mom left my biological father when she was a month pregnant with me. and until i was like 12 years old that's all i knew. we lived with my grandparents (mom, my brother and i) until i was 2 years old. and she met a man, and she married him, and he legally adopted me to protect me from my biological father. i didn't know he wasn't my father until i was being adopted, and when the judge asked me ''do you want this man to be your father?'' at only 3 years old, i stood up boldly with hands on hips and retorted ''he is my father silly''. mom said the whole court was laughing. mom explained to me later that week he wasn't my real father, and she showed me my original birth certificate to make me believe her.

She told me that he had to adopt me because my real father was a bad bad man. she didn't say why. but she said he went to jail, and she was afraid of him, and she said she had sent him to jail and he threatened us... so we had to be careful. as a young child i was so overly protected that i grew up scared. i knew that the school had orders to call the police if he ever came around. and i was never allowed anywhere on my own. so you can imagine the picture i painted as an elementary school child, of how my father must be to scare my mother so much. i was so afraid of him that one day when my adopted father made me look at his picture for my own safety, to know what he looked like... i pushed the picture away and ran into the living room crying, and hid under a table. i think i was like 9 when that happened.

Oh yeah, i do have a brother... an older brother. he is 17 months older than me. he has ADHD, and selective memory... so often times in school i ended up in higher classes, (though i was younger) so we had a lot of conflict because of that. he really hated me helping him with anything. we always fought a lot, but that's common with siblings right? well at the time anyway.

I had the brief glory of having an older sister. my adopted father had like 3 daughters and a son... but only one of them still talked to him at the time. she was what, 18 or 19 at the time? and me only having been 3 years old, i adored her. she was my hero, she meant the world to me. i was too young to understand conflict of teenagers and parents. she ran away, got pregnant, and got married. she never said goodbye to me. i don't remember this part, but mom said i sat on the window sill for the better part of a year every day crying and begging for her to come back. she would call mom once in a great while on the phone but refused to talk to me. i never understood it. and until i was 18 i would still cry for her. i needed her, i needed my big sister. sometimes i feel that if she had stayed, no bad would have come to me. and sometimes i feel that she didn't stay because what happened to me happened to her. mom begs to differ. mom said that she thought my grandma had a lot of money, and that in her father adopting my brother and i, she would loose her big inheritance. mom said she had a few big fights with them because of that. i still have my own theories.

But until that point i will not complain too greatly. Yes i was very scared for a child of my age, more than i should have been. by the age of 9 i understood very well what death was. i had already lost more loved ones to death than i could count. I didn't have any friends, and i was very made fun of because i was different (that meaning that i did not care about fashion, popular music, or popularity in general) I had lost my big sister, i was scared of my biological father, and i was very made fun of. to tell you the truth, if that was the only thing that ever went wrong in my life, i might consider myself more normal. aside from that, i did have all the toys i needed, and i loved to play around the woods and cliffs in the back of the house (bottom of the cliffs, NOT top, lol ) i have always absolutely loved animals. they are always nice to me, even when everyone else wasn't. so until this point, is where i consider the good part of my life. and i often times wish i could just have lived like that forever... but that's not how life likes to work.

I guess that's a lot of writing for one blog, and basically that's like ''a chapter in my life'' so I can finally let things out here. I'll write another blog to farther the information. I am married, but my husband sometimes gets tired of hearing my complaints. not that he's not supportive! but i understand, it's sometimes hard to deal with people with such deep problems. and though i think i am relatively strong and i have made it through better than most, i still had hard times. he needs support sometimes to support me. i know you might think its silly after you read more of my blogs, but it's true. it's hard to support someone that's been hurt by something severe and emotionally scaring.

he needs support sometimes to support me. i know you might think its silly after you read more of my blogs, but it's true.

I dont think thats silly at all, in fact, I couldn't agree with you more. My fiancee is the same. He is wonderfully loving and supportive, but he has his own life and work problems too. Although, his problems are my problems and vice versa, our needs can be taxing at times, its natural and understanable. There are books out there for him if he's interested....took my fiancee several months before he would even consider buying a book to help him help me.....he still isn't ready to admit that he needs a book to help him help himself but right now, one book is a big step. Let me know if you'd like a link to some suggestions.

Glad you were able to write, it was an excellent blog, in my humble opinion.
well neither my husband nor i are the type of person to read. i wouldn't get past the first few pages, he might burn a couple of sentences only, but he hasn't objected the idea of a support forum for survivor's partners... he's a quiet person, but i guess if he found a guy that has similar interests and has to support someone who's been in a similar situation... he would talk to him. i think links to a good forum might be good for him. i understand him entirely, but it was very frustrating for me when i was crying once and he got annoyed ''and who's going to support me'' but it's ok. i wrote more to the blog, 3 parts cuz its kinda complicated, you're welcome to read it, but it's long. thanks

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