The day crawled by, the wind picked up, and the switch was turned on.
I found my mind reeling and swirling and twisting with things that I had to deal with. I picked through them deciding which one I had to deal with right now and which could wait. I felt on top of things, productive even, going about things soo business like. Then...
Then I turned on all the way.
I am my own worse enemy. I have been known to destroy relationships. I am the thief in the night that stills dreams and hopes. I am the naysayer. I am that kind of person......to myself.
I will be the best cheerleader, the best believer for everyone else but me. Me? Pffttt. I'll try and destroy and steal everything I can from me. Why? Why do I do this? The main question? Why do I allow myself to destroy myself?
I have dreams, wants, and hopes just like anyone else. But then the other me will tell me I can't do it, I'll never achieve anything, that no one would want me. I beging to believe it and sabatage myself.
I want to get an education. I had to give up my education in order to protect my oldest son. At the time he was a baby, a toddler. I couldn't trust my "parents" with him....so I had to sacrifice my dreams and hopes and wishes in order to protect him the best I could.
I remember laying awake at night and imagining what it would be like to go to school, get my degree, a job. I imagined the pride I would feel, the experiences I would get to share in. I would watch movies or shows with college students and have this overwhelming urge that if I closed my eyes real tight, I would be there. I would be going to college. I would be getting a degree.
Now, flash forward to today. I'm told by my husband "Go ahead apply. You can do this. Just fill in the paperwork and apply and we'll go from there." Ok. I start researching and looking up courses and different institutions. I started to get a bit excited, start to feel a bit of glow of hope.....I even took several MOOC courses and even got a certificate from Harvard for passing a justice course. But....but....today...I start looking again and reading the requirements. I start to fill in the fields asking for my information and. I. quit.
I sat here looking at my screen, listening to the cruel person that is me, telling me that I can't do it. What if my high school and 2 year degree won't transfer over. What about the cost. What if! What if! What if! So. I. quit. I closed it down.
Here I sit, writing on here feeling disappointment in myself and anger. Is it not enough that my "family" has for 40 years, put me down? Why do I have to try and destroy myself? Why am I being my own worse enemy? Why can't I give myself the support and encouragement that I so willingly give to others?
I won't give up though....I can't. I deserve a chance. I deserve a chance to have dreams and hopes. I deserve a chance to live........I'll keep telling myself that and maybe, just maybe, the other me will just shut up.