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Fighting for a Voice

Posted by free2speak , 03 November 2013 · 148 views

I kept thinking about how to make my thoughts less vivid, more fuzzy, less distinct.  Drinking immediately came into my head.  They sell $1 mini-bottles of liquor at the local convenience store and I debated about taking that short walk and purchasing one, so I could feel tipsy and float in my own little world for awhile.
 
Come on, the Rebellious Me goads.  It'll be fun.  Everyone else drinks.  Sh*t girl, you haven't even been carded before!
 
Normally, I drink nothing.  It isn't that I never thought to or can't or feel too uppity to get drunk.  It's more because I live in a residential program which treats not only mental illness but  also people with substance abuse problems, so any kind of alcohol, or non-prescriptive drugs, can get you kicked out of the program, out of the apartment complex and onto the street.  For the first time I thought, "God, that sucks.  How else am I to get the edge off?"  Because the memories are so sharp, and the flashbacks I can't seem to forget, and I can't seem to find the words to figure these things out.  All of that makes me want to drink, not a lot, but maybe a glass or two of an innocuous fruity drink.  Then another part of my brain--which never seems to leave me alone-- says, "Michelle, alcohol is a depressant, and you have enough financial problems, and what if your case managers find alcohol in your apartment, of which two diagnosed alcoholics live (my roommates).  That's a little sh*tty all around."  
 
I pace and I mumble to myself and I yell back at Rational Me because why is she making things so godd*mn difficult?  Then like a kid I pull out my binder (stocked with a ream of notebook paper), my lips pursing and pressing together into a thin white line and I click my pen to start writing.
Into student mode once again, a thought in which Rational Me and Self-Destructive Me begin to argue about before I can even write down a single letter.  
 
"Student?" Rebellious Me mocks.  "You're an idiot, everyone knows you're a big fake, you can't even hold down a job!  Why the f*** are you trying so hard?"
 
Well, there's a little debate about that inside my head, with stern reminders by Rational Me that I haven't had it easy, not from day one.  It's understandable that my lived experience has created certain problem areas.
 
Ha! another part of me shouts.  That's just an excuse, and a really sorry one at that.  Look at people who really know HOW to  survive...they have kids, they have jobs, they have a partner, they're not in the f*cking dregs of society!"
 
Well, by that time the Moderator steps in, blowing a fierce whistle and shouting, "That's it, all of you, off the field!  Michelle has to do some WORK!"   Well, after wrestling with so many voices I'm exhausted and I really wish Rational Me would let up a little, because it's her that keeps me with pen and paper in front of me.
 
It's been like that  for me always, these parts of me screaming to be heard.  
 
But I did get some work done.  I reviewed my four pages of analysis, Rational Me the staunch winner,
her voice and mine utterly congruent.  At least for tonight.
 
It's hard, these debates inside my own thoughts.  Why do I have to have these stupid wrestling matches, parts of me trying to pin me down and convince me that she's right?
 
I never talked about this before, because it seems so "crazy."  I don't think it's DID, but it's definitely some splitting off as I try to care for myself.  I don't know.  Maybe it's simply self-talk taken to a WHOLE other level.  
 
I really don't know, and I'm tired today.
 
My dad, he says to me sometimes when I complain my head hurts:  "You thinking too much again, Michelle."
 
I used to think he was being a bit of a simpleton when he said that.  Not now.
 
There may a great deal of truth in "thinking too much."
 
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I'm sorry your having a rough time. I have the same thing where it's multiple versions of me fighting in my head. One will call me stupid and then another will start crying because of that, yet another will stand up for her just to be knocked down by the mean one... Confusing for sure. I'm sure it's not DID as well because they are much more like self talk and not as established as DID personalities would be. I wish I could block them all out sometimes. I'm glad I'm not alone, but I could never say anything in real life because it sounds so crazy. Sending hugs, but I'm having trouble finding and inserting the emoticons since the update. :(

((((Quiet.girl))))  Thank you for understanding :)

:hug: :hug: :hug: I'm hesitant saying this as it's based on my experience, so may be completely irrelevant to yours. Please ignore it if there is nothing helpful here. Also I don't know the details of your story so again it may be completely irrelevant... I wonder if there is a younger part of you that at one point thought she had control over what happened, but felt she made the wrong decisions? And that younger part of you is still there, in an adult body, still trying to make those decisions but still worried that she is getting it wrong? If so, that child part needs reassurance so that eventually the child part need just say 'I want this, I don't want that' because that is all really the child needs to say, it is the adult part that will be able to make the decisions. I experienced this, although I have not had the memories/flashbacks like you describe for a long time. My head was constantly full of these voices (I realise now), trying to decide what to do until about a year ago. At one point I had to 'fight off' one particular batch of voices (the ones that told me that I was getting it wrong) by recognising that they were only harmful, they weren't helping me move forwards, just chipping away at my self-esteem. So, for now, please be kind to yourself. That part of you that wanted a drink needs nurturing in a warm blanket, cuddled up to say, yes of course you want this to stop, you want to feel safe, that's perfectly normal. The part that is saying 'other people have real problems and are doing much better than you' is what I call a demon (sorry, it works for me) - there just to create mischief. That is the part I had to 'fight'. And the part that wants to do the work sounds just so tired. One day all those voices will be gone, one day there will just be Michelle and sometimes Michelle will want to work and then it will just be easy, Michelle will work because it's something she wants to do, and sometimes Michelle will be too tired to work and that will be ok too, but it will all be Michelle, Michelle's choice and decisions, wants and goals. Until that day, be kind to yourself. It is a journey and you are recognising the voices - that is the first step. :blanket: :cuppa: :hug:

Hey there, Susanna, I'm very grateful for your thoughts on my blog.  One part of your reply I keep reviewing, because it's so comforting to see.

You wrote:

 

"Michelle will work because it's something she wants to do, and sometimes Michelle will be too tired to work and that will be ok too, but it will all be Michelle, Michelle's choice and decisions, wants and goals."

 

I hope one day I can get there, to feel ownership for my own decisions, even if it's to rest.  Thank you!  smile.png

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