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Scarred life

Posted by EVH , 05 May 2014 · 75 views

Another anniversary approaching fast. Very fast. Too fast. 1 year. 12 months. 48 weeks. 336 days. 8,064 hours, 291 flashbacks. Millions of thoughts that I silenced as soon as I saw them coming. Millions of feelings that I stopped as soon as I realised they're knocking on my door. 5 litres of tears instead of blood pumped by my heart but never filling my eyes. Because this time it was different. Because this time it was my fault. My choice. My decision. Because this time I made a conscious choice to trust a man I barely knew. I made a conscious choice of not trusting my gut feeling, my intuition, my heart screaming Ewa please don't do it! I was deaf. I was blind. I've paid a high price. And I'm still dealing with the consequences of my decisions. Still dealing with the pain. Emptiness. Permanent brain damage. Grief after miscarriage. Broken heart. Broken soul. Scarred life.
I hear your voice in every sound.
I see your face in every crowd.
It won't go away

Every time I feel you near
I close my eyes and turn to stone.

When I close my eyes, I see you
When I close my eyes, you're here
In the dead of the night, I feel you.

Leave me in chains. Strip me of shame. Caress me with pain.
Fill me with rage. Bleed me dry. And feed me your hate.

The metal wraps itself around my bones. It feels cold.

EVH anniversaries stink. It doesn't matter that you trusted someone, that you trusted the wrong person etc. It was not your fault and you did nothing wrong. I am sorry things are so dark. Keep writing and keep reaching out here. Be gentle with yourself.


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