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I just dont know anymore.

Posted by candyedgefield1996 , 25 October 2013 · 141 views

I feel like I have a lot of problems, but they all root from when I was 6-10years old. I was sexually abused by my step brother. He would come in late at night and touch me. I was 6 so I don't fully remember but I cant completely forget. I would always pretended to sleep or I would move or nudge so he would stop and run away. When I was 10 he asked me to touch him and I couldn't do anything but say no over and over. I then locked my self in the bathroom till my Step Dad got home. It took a little while but I told my step sister when I was 10 or 11. I never realized how old he was because my family would blame it on the fact that he made a mistake and was young. He was 7 years older than me, when he asked me to touch him he was 17 years old. I am now 17 years old and I would never not at any age would I ever do that to a innocent child. I cant stop being angry at my Mom, Dad, and Step Dad. My Mom was to worried about my other siblings touching me that she didn't notice who was really doing it and my Dad doesn't know but If he wouldn't of abandoned me maybe he would have and my Step Dad wants to protect his son. My issue with all of this is why didn't any one protect me? why did he get to go start a wonderful life and have a wife and children? why is everyone so proud of him when he still hurt me? nobody in my family realizes I am hurting inside. I have never felt so much hate. I hate him, I hate my parents, and I hate myself right now. I don't hate myself because I blame myself I hate myself because I don't have the courage to prosecute him. I kind of wish I was never informed that I still could prosecute him. What I want more than anything is to trust men again because my dad left me, my brother hurt me, and my step dad never really stepped up as a father figure to me. The though of my current boyfriend leaving me feels unbearable and I don't want to push him away. If anyone can relate to this please help. I need advice on how to move on and make my current relationships better. I don't want to feel like I need to depend on a man, I want to know that with or with out a man I will be fine. Thanks for reading <3

Oct 25 2013 07:13 PM
Why did he get to go start a wonderful life and have a wife and children? why is everyone so proud of him when he still hurt me? nobody in my family realizes I am hurting inside. I have never felt so much hate. I hate him, I hate my parents, and I hate myself right now.

I am sorry for what your step brother did to you. He is a cruel and selfish person who is sadistic and without a conscience. You have every right to hate him or what he did to you. I understand 100%. I want you to know that he has not walked off into the sunset with a grand life. When he made the decision to touch you and SA you, he crossed over to the dark side and he is filled with evil and sinfulness from head to toe. He is with sexual urges and lust now and his life must imitate SA to have any type of relationship with his wife. He lusts daily and has constant thoughts of sex and has an unquenchable lust on his mind. No one can help him with that. No one. He virtually ruined his future in that regard. Hope this helps you to know that he is living a life that is a sham or a fake. He is a rapist who has decided to marry and act like he did nothing wrong. This makes him a person who lies to himself and does delusions. One more thing..... if he has a daughter...she is at risk for SA. My father SA my sister from 10-16 and me and my other sister were both sexually assaulted. I have a friend and her dad SA her sister and her and she was SA at college. It seems to be a reaping and sowing type of thing. Only the kids or offspring are the ones harmed in regard to the sexual assault. Anyhow, the sins of the father do effect the offspring. Hope this helps to break through his little make believe life that seems so good and it is nothing but a sham.

need advice on how to move on and make my current relationships better. I don't want to feel like I need to depend on a man, I want to know that with or with out a man I will be fine.

Well...let me see. I am trying to move on from a SA in college and I am married. I will go into recovery. I have a counselor and I will go in a Sexual assault recovery group. lasts 14 weeks and is called shelter from the storm recovery group for SA. If you google you can see if there are any in your area or other SA recovery groups. You cant recover alone and will need a T and a lot of help from others. In person is very beneficial. The goal is to feel and heal and process the emotions and trauma that is stored in the body. Many books on amazon on trauma processing. Once the past is dealt with ...you will be able to move on. This means feeling your feelings and journaling a lot and getting it all out. All the sadness, pain, hurt, anger, rage , shame etc. and the self contempt. When you say you hate yourself ..this is how I feel and many other survivors. It is the mind saying, someone must pay and it might as well be me. Then the self hate statements begin. This is not fair to us though. We did nothing wrong and we don't deserve to pay, the rapist does. Self contempt can worked on with a counselor and awareness is the first step.
it is good to look at the stages of grief as well. this can help you know where you are on the journey. stages are: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. it is not unusual to be in more than one stage at a time ... Hope this helps. I hear you and I understand you pain. I am sorry that your step brother hurt you. Pandys is here for you. I care. Pandys cares.

why is everyone so proud of him when he still hurt me? nobody in my family realizes I am hurting inside.
-------They are in denial and this is a coping mechanism to keep the façade of a wonderful family and skip the pain of accepting that it is a dysfunctional family. The other reason they act as they do...they do not know how hurtful, harmful and awful SA is. They should know it is more than a flesh wound. But they do not. I know this is hard to accept. My mom does not even know that my older sister is hurt tremendously by my father who raped her from 10-16. She thinks it is no big deal and she can just move on.
My mom is insane to think this but without any awareness or research ..she is okay with her false belief to avoid any pain or suffering. I am sorry to say that most families just try and go on like nothing happened. And there is a massive elephant in the room.
Oct 25 2013 07:26 PM
Hi Candyedgefield,
This article is long but it will give you a lot of incite into why your family has responded as they have. I hope it is beneficial to you. Take Gentle Care.

Family Secrets and Keepers of the Lie
Posted on September 9, 2013 by Alethea
“We are only as sick as our secrets” ~unknown

Something is happening within the soul of a number of people I know, or who read my Blog –people who have been sexually abused as children, have grown deeply tired of the secrets, the lies, and especially being a lie to themselves by not speaking up to those who have abused them.

Fifteen years ago, I wrote my mother the letter that I never thought I would have the strength to write, much less send.
Fifteen years ago, I mailed the seven-page letter and I did not die.
Sending that letter was one of the most healing and strengthening moments of my life, and to be able to tell my mother that I remembered the incest, and that she did not stop it, and to continue healing without the validation from anyone in my family, was deeply empowering for me.
When I told my mother it set me free, and in a strange way, I think that deep inside herself, it also set my mother free.
More importantly, when I revealed the deadly secret, it set the little one inside of me free. She was finally able to tell.

If a previous victim of incest or child sexual abuse (or even physical abuse) decides they cannot stand keeping the secret anymore, or carrying on with the family functions and phone calls without shouting out the truth, I want them to know that it does not violate the law of love if you intend no harm, but only wish for the false interaction with the family to end.

Lying to yourself helps no one. Pretending only helps them, and will probably keep you sick.
It was very painful being attacked by the keepers of the lie, as I call them, –the people I thought loved me.
I would rather be alone than with people who want to cover up a dirty secret with superficial pleasantries and family make-believe. I prefer animals, nature, and the love of my husband. Animals are especially good company because they do not lie. They are true to themselves, and they do not judge me, or demean me. Animals don’t viciously attack me with personal insults, or cut me out of their life for personal, selfish gain.
I find nature to be extremely healing, forgiving, and ever giving –in spite of what we humans do to nature and the earth, the earth continues to sustain our life and provide us with what we need to survive.
So do I prefer the company of nature and God’s furry creatures over human companionship….absolutely. Do I prefer it over the relationship with my blood relatives? You bet!
“Thank you for sharing your story. You have done what I am trying to do. I want to tell my parents and sister about the abuse, but it is hard. I am afraid of what their reaction will be. I will try to draw courage from you because telling takes more strength than I ever realized” ~A survivor
It does indeed take more strength than we ever realized. But having gone through what I did with my family, and using that experience to help others has given me more joy than any phone calls riddled with false-harmony. More than any Christmas get-togethers (where everyone gets on each other’s nerves anyway), and certainly more than catering to the comfort of my family by pretending the incest never happened.
I know in my own flesh, blood, and body how badly it feels to speak up and to be cut off. This is the fear every adult survivor has when they contemplate exposing the family secrets.
But I would do it again in a minute, and that is what must be understood.
I cried deeply when I realized there was no real love for me from my sisters to begin with, and it took me about another decade of healing before I finally became strong enough to wake up and realize that my mother never loved me, has never felt empathy for me, and resented me for being born.
But after “mourning” the death of the illusion that my family really loved me, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, threw my shoulders back, and decided that I needed to move on without looking back.
In spite of the excruciating pain I endured when I let the secret out, I would do it again.

The family members who want to live the superficial life they have created cannot silence us by denial. Speaking out was the best thing I could have done for my inner child. She was crying out to be heard, and I gave her the chance to finally speak up after thirty years.

Speaking out for me was especially difficult, as well as simultaneously healing, because as a child I was threatened with death if I told. Speaking up and being cut off was just like a death. When one of my sisters threatened, ‘If you tell I will cut you off,’ it was similar to “If you tell I will kill you.”
I had to be strong and not let them break me. Though, I am thankful to those sisters for putting me in touch with what so many victims and survivors go through with family backlash. I could now see why so many survivors and back down from their truth out of fear –fear of not being accepted and not being loved, but I found my strength in the middle of chaos.
I have transformed the pain of being cut off, and the anger at the injustice, into something else. I have turned it into a strength I never knew I had, and will continue to use that power to help others.

Victims and survivors are given the signal “We will only love and accept you if you don’t speak up.” The power of silence is strong, but the power of speaking up is stronger.

It was worth it. The pain I am going through of what my family is doing to me does not matter. In fact it has made me stronger. My sisters have put me in touch with the reality that many survivors face, the denial, anger, hateful words, being called a liar. ~Alethea’s journal 1998
In my family silence was the law, and I broke that law. I would not tolerate pretending nothing ever happened between my father and me. I would not cooperate with the system of denial any longer.
I was sick to my stomach for a week after receiving the ugly family backlash fifteen years ago, but I refused to allow their ugliness to affect me in a negative, self-pitying, shameful, guilt ridden way. I transformed the guilt into something else –a drive to help others find their voice, and to use use their voice in spite of their fear, and in spite of what could happen when they do.
Family members create a fantasy reality world and nothing can penetrate it. One survivor wrote to me, “I think there was a class in their days in school DENIAL 101, and there also must have been a secondary class PERFECTING DENIAL (DENIAL 101 PRE-REQUISITE)”

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil………..then evil prevails
Another survivor wrote to me, “In my 40′s I wrote a long, frank letter to my father. In it I mentioned a recent suicide attempt and the efforts I was making to dig myself out of the hole.A few weeks later, I got a reply:
“Dear ___, We got your long letter. The weather here is really nice this week…”
Once the secret is out, we cannot cannot expect a healthy response from unhealthy people. If the sexual abuse, or incest, is revealed in a letter, some people may never receive any response at all.

Nearly all of the family members in cases of hidden child sexual abuse and incest, are psychologically dysfunctional, so their responses will be too.

Those who do not respond at all, are protecting themselves from the truth. People don’t like to see, or hear the truth, that threatens the system of what they have created as “good.”
Others have to work out their own issues, in their own time, and in their own way. We each have our own timing in life. For siblings, there may be such deep pain about them also being abused, that they are not willing to face it, so they will not be able to face your abuse either.
If an abuser, or the mother who protected the abuser, does not admit anything, it often means they are unwilling to face their own shame.

When I first came out with the abuse to my mother, I wrote Marilyn Van Derbur. She wrote back to me, “denial is a given in incest families.”

To anyone who has recently spoken out, and who was denied truth:
In my own family, and in talking with many survivors, and doing much reading from others, there is rarely the confession, acknowledgement, regret, apology, or even slight admission that would bring us the small amount of peace that a small grain of truth would bring. What is important is that you were able to break through fear and discomfort and SPEAK what needed to be said, what was long overdue, and what their soul needed to hear. The soul knows the truth, and even if they denied and if they lashed out at you, or if it got ugly, the most important thing is that you used your voice and spoke the truth to them….and they know it…inside. You stood up for yourself. Pain now, but strength will come from this.

When we remain silent, they hold our power. You took your power back.

LOVE and PEACE, you are awesome.
Oct 25 2013 08:31 PM
Hey, I am thinking of you. I'm a bit short on words right now but I wanted to say that families sometimes go into denial and are not always the most supportive of the survivor. They're probably still "proud of him" because they don't want to acknowledge, even to themselves, the pain that he caused you. You will work through your own issues in time and with effort, I have faith that you can, but that does not change the fact that it's a very unjust situation. I'm sorry you don't have more real life support.

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