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I'm Back!

Posted by lostinsideofme , 03 June 2013 · 104 views

Its been a while since I've been here. And honestly I'm crying that I'm back. So many things have happened in the meantime. Both good and bad. Though everything right now feels bad...

Where to begin......

There is no good place to start. In truth, I'm struggling big time. I love my kids to death, and they are the only things waking me up each morning. I'm just trying to hold on and hang in there until this bought of depression passes...

I've been diagnosed with Bladder cancer, sarcomas, tumors in my stomach and intestines. I've had every inch of my body scanned and every new place they scan they find more tumors. I've had surgery 4 times already this year just to remove tumors. I can't stay home because i need to feed my kids and the depression would likely kill me before the tumors.

Most recently, i've had more seizure like activity. I was trying to shop at the grocery store and could not form a coherent sentence then half my body started violently shaking. I managed to drive home only to go inside and fall asleep for 3 hours. The doctor was so kind enough to let me know he didn't think it was seizure and even if it was, why would i want to have a seizure disorder... Cute, yeah I want to be violently shaking, scared to death driving my car with my kids in it, knowing that I need to get home because at least they would be safe. Yeah, i was thinking, havign a seizure disorder needing to rely on other people to drive me around or take a bus everywhere would fit in nicely with my life....

Oh and then there's.... NO no need. Just trying to not run my car off the road in a fit of rage. Trying to have my heart continue beating despite the fact that it would like to explode in my chest. Once I pay back these loans and make sure that I'm not leaving my kids in debt.... then we'll see. HOpefully by then they will have come up with some magical cure that will make me normal and not allow me to feel like killing myself every couple of months.

Can I just stay home, in my bed. All day, until the kids need me. Someone come clean my house, pay my bills and just leave me to hang with the kids and share in their joy... PLEASE!!!! I don't want to die, but I can't do everything... Supermom lost her Super, now I'm must mom, and mom is dying... Literally... :(

Guide to my world

I put up a general *TRIGGER WARNING* for all those who read. This is me being as real as I can get, trying not to hold back. Working through memories and life's challenges in the aftermath.

Randomness tends to have the most content, but I warn you, it gets pretty random.

When I find more courage, My stories, will have more content. For now walk with my through my therapeutic adventures and rants.

School sucks, but at least its finally over.

Emotions, Memories are full of raw emotion.

Recently I've been Exploring My Sexuality

Welcome to my world.~lost~

What I'm Pondering

How do you overcome something that has been ingrained in you? Is it possible, or is it like fighting against your genes?

How on earth do turkeys get their fat asses in the air?

If I evolved from a primate, how come I've forgotten how to climb a tree?

Who can fry an egg on a sidewalk? I can barely fry an egg in a pan.

July 2016

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