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I had more words even when I started this. But now my mind is fluttering around the words I want to say and just dropping the thoughts constantly.
Maybe I just need to take point form notes on my mind. Seriously. My heart feels like it's just seizing up at the idea of saying half of what's wrong.
->Crashing. It's sinking in what B did to me, and E. It's sinking in I'm very alone right now. It's sinking in I have no one to call.
->Everything mom did, like blaming me for what happened particularly with B, also what she did to her friend that still have trouble wrapping my head around
->Nightmares with bubbie, her lies about my brother, her in general. So confusing.
->The whole summer losing the three most important people in my life
->D and all those other random boys...
->All those men. Finding out it's true. That a wad of money is more important than me. That my mother's family didn't or couldn't protect me..
->Tiny bit of M but less so. Thankfully I've mostly recovered from that at least temporarily.
And I just feel like J won't love me. He won't love me unless it's to be abusive to me and then well my brain can suddenly understand him wanting to be with me. But to think he could want me, in a sweet way, in a way that actually cares about me? And that it could actually be *healthy*? To even dream it's possible?
It seems foolish. And I feel heartbroken for letting myself believe otherwise. Nothing has changed just my mind keeps telling me it can't be. It doesn't matter how it felt being with him or what he said or what happened. It's only all to hurt me if it's anything at all.
Thinking of him and what a good time we had together and how great it will be to see him again and hold him was what was cheering me up. Now I just feel heartbroken instead so.. everything feels worse.
Ugh I'm just breaking down
Feels like my heart is sinking into a hole.
I hope I can get out of the house and just.. not be stuck in this feeling.
I just don't feel like I will ever be loved or deserve to be loved, or be happy for long. Sighs.