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I think I need to allow myself, and to let myself feel, and know, that I am safe, and ok, in expressing that I am not ok.
Like I used to.
But the fact is, I'm not ok.
My thoughts and feelings, have been so dark lately. And it's like, a part of me doesn't want to open up to anyone about any of it.
Not even to myself.
But I'm not ok.
Today, I was in a craft store. And I had to stop myself, because I almost bought a tool that I could use to SI. The crazy thing was, the packaging advertised it as being a comfortable and safe version of that tool.
I had it in my hand.
I put it back.
But the fact that it's on my mind, almost constantly. The urge is there.
And sometimes the thoughts that can keep me safe, sometimes they aren't there.
I've been silent here. For way too long. I need to find my way back to voicing my feelings, my thoughts. I need to find my way back to telling my story.
Both the past, and the story I continue on with.
And there are things that have happened, things I've been doing. Too many to list them all now. If I can get myself far enough past my depression to write like I used to, then I will have the space and time to write them all out.
I probably need to.
I started a women's group this past Monday night. It's a therapeutic group. Run by Dr K and another female therapist. It seems like a good group. Everyone is nice. I am hoping I can feel safe enough to be able to open up as they all seem to have done. And I am hoping to get something out of it, and also to be able to contribute.
I feel like I have been through a war or something, with the trauma processing I did with Dr K. The MST, and also the molestation. And right now, my sessions are focused on me trying to cope with my depression and my anxiety.
And still I struggle with my art. But I am working on that. It is very frustrating, and I realize that my depression is playing a big part in me struggling to do any art at all. But also, struggling the way I do is adding to my depression.
It's all a vicious circle.
I feel like everything in my life right now is caught up in some huge vicious circle. I hate it.