words cannot really express how angry and hurt i feel. the people who I hoped would be there for me aren't and I realize that I've spent my entire life being manipulated and lied to by the people i've invested so much time and love in...to never be loved back, at least not fully...to never be accepted or understand by my own family or closest "friends", to be rejected, discredited, invalidated not taken seriously. It hurts so fucking bad...and I said the f-word because it seems to be the most useful word right now. I wish I could type it over and over and over again in all caps. I can't sleep...my heart aches. I'm grateful for my husband though who is seriously the ONLY person in my entire life who truly loves me. I'm blessed to have him in my corner, on my side, yes, I am grateful. Because everyone else has jumped ship. I'm ready to leave that oozing crap of lies, deceit, and dysfunction and move on with no guilt...no looking back. It's time to move on and let everyone go. It's time to make a clean break with the people who leave me feeling like a worthless piece of shit.
And something else that's really messed up is even now...after knowing what my father did to me...even after the sexual abuse and everything else, he's still the only person in my family who I thought actually cared about me and loved me. And I still feel that way and it's so f***ed up. So sick. He's the one I'm most sad and afraid to say goodbye too...he's the one i'm truly going to miss and ache for and that makes me feel so ashamed.