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Fifth Entry; Speak

Posted by Quiet.girl , 13 October 2013 · 268 views

Speak, to talk using ones voice
Why can't I speak like a normal person, why can't I just be normal? I try so hard to pretend to be normal, I put on my princess dress up dress and steal my mothers make up, I paint myself as a normal, American, teenager. But then I step out side my head and again there I am just like before F R O Z E N. Stiff without a word to say but when I am comfortable I will chat away like nothing's wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I know selective mutism (SM), so so what. I don't even fit into normal with a diagnosis, most people with SM are like five, I'm more than three times their age. There is so little information about or for older people with SM. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, hey I'm the random puzzle piece placed in the wrong box! Still does not help me. I'm at a loss for words when it comes to trying to explain this all. I really do wish I was never born. If I had never existed no one could miss me. I couldn't hurt anyone. No one could hurt me. My life does not seem worthy. My brain constantly running I need it to stop. Well that's where I started si from. Stop brain stop! Oh physical pain distracting.....
Sometimes I feel like I'm faking it. Like I can speak I just don't want to. But then I go someplace I'm very uncomfortable and I can't. I can't say a word. It's more than not wanting to.

Oct 14 2013 04:22 AM
Ok I don't have selective mutism, but I've heard of it before. It's easier said than done but please stop beating yourself up for it! No matter what your age, there are just some things doctors can't explain. I have non epileptic seizures and I have literally no medical support for it at all because they don't know what to do. I know the feeling of not even being sure if you're faking it, but you're not! Your mind is playing tricks on you. Honestly, bless you and all the best x
Thank you for the kind words. Er idk what to say but thank you
Im not to sure what sm is..but I feel as if I can definitely relate to this. Self harm. I Self harm. people think its stupid and attention seeking. But I cope with that. That's how I keep my mind off of what's going on. Off from my past. That's how I know im still living. Why though? why has it come to that? I don't understand.
I know what you mean, when I hear people say sh is attention seeking i get very angry. If i sh for attention then why do I ALWAYS wear long sleeves? Or hide it even from my therapist at times? Alright not proud of that one .... My T really does not seem to get sh. I love her, she is amazing, but she does not understand causing physical see able painful harm to yourself, and I can't even blame her for that.
Also I relate to hating that it has come to doing something so permanently shameful to control internal pain. Sometimes I find myself sh ing without much of a reason, or a pitiful reason and all I feel like doing is shaking myself and saying come on you don't have to do this.
Know you're not alone (my mantra as of late) and you're not crazy (I reserve that word for people without a conscience). You're writing down your thoughts, communicating, and that's so huge! Your strengths are ten times more important than anything else. Sitting with you Posted Image

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