Day 135: Successful ObGyn Appointment
Wow, I feel great! The appointment went really well and I learned some incredibly helpful things. She gave me amazing, empowering information I have needed for such a long time! I have a weird form of thyroid disease and she was able to identify a possible explanation for why I don't have enough active thyroid hormone. My thyroid tests show I should have too much active thyroid hormone. But, I actually have very, very low active thyroid hormone (which is needed for almost EVERYTHING the body does).
She says it's possible this problem is caused by me having a low-acid stomach. She has some strategies we'll try to deal with it and see if it causes my body to accept the thyroid hormone meds I take. I am on very high doses of the meds because my body doesn't seem to absorb it. The problem could simply be that my stomach doesn't have enough acid to break down the medication and the meds are just passing through my body.
I should explain that my ObGyn doctor is also a specialist in hormones. She is an expert in treating the hormonal changes that go with aging, as well as dealing with thyroid hormones in an individualized way.
She said, "Looking at your labs, I can't believe you're even walking around. You have really accommodated this problem. Well, no more! We are going to fix it."
I have a bunch of stuff to do and it's going to take months to get everything figured out. But for the first time in my life, I feel hopeful about what it will be like to inhabit my body. I feel I might actually WANT to inhabit my body.
At the end of the appointment she commented that I seemed to do well today. I affirmed that. She asked for a hug and I felt truly OK with it. I gave her a brief hug and then was able to leave comfortably.
On another count, today I was sharp-edged again at work. Someone was frustrating me, not agreeing to do their job, and I squished them like a bug in front of other people. Just this morning I was talking to my T about how I have bursts of aggression. She congratulated me on how I dealt with my hostile male colleagues recently. She pointed out, again, that I am moving away from shame. It was a very affirming conversation. She said she was proud of me and she wanted me to take notice of how I am changing. I felt really happy thinking about that.
But, I was still quite anxious at work today. I was still in pain, am still in pain, from the treatment I received earlier this week. And, we talked about how when one is in pain, it is difficult to be your best self. This truth was evidenced today . . . unfortunately. And, ironically on a day when I earlier celebrated my growth in this arena.
On the up side, I wrote an email apologizing for my reaction and stating how I should have reacted. I wasn't able to talk to her in person to apologize, but I am glad I took accountability. I didn't allow myself to get away with my aggressive behavior. I have a mantra as a leader, "It's about what you expect and what you allow." Well, that applies to me more than it does to anyone else. It's about what I expect and what I allow from myself.
Whew, what a day.