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nothing (trigger warning)

Posted by etchasketch , 27 August 2011 · 77 views

The East Coast is in the middle of a weather emergency/hurricane. I am trapped in my apartment, alone, the entire weekend. This is not good.
I have already been so depressed. I was dating this guy for a few months, everything was going well, even with all my issues considered. Then he moved to a city four hours away. We still talk but he keeps insisting (constantly insisting) that we are just friends. We've seen eachother every weekend since he's moved and things are great then but he still won't commit to just me. So I feel like I'm basically just a whore he fucks on the weekends. And honestly this is the nicest guy I've ever dated, he's not raping me or hurting me physically, he's not putting me down, he's actually extremely supportive, but its kind of destroying me. Honestly I feel more suicidal today than I have in years (don't worry I have no means of harming myself here and can't leave my apartment until Monday when the storm clears)
No matter what I am incapable of attracting people who love me and want to be with me into my life. It's like I have this big neon sign that says "NOTHING" flashing above my head. I see the guys my friends date, nice people who adore my friends, want to spend time with them, would never hurt them. I will never have that. I am so sad. My options are to be alone forever or continue dating men who hurt me. Not very promising.



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