Shame and Telling

[J725c]

Thank you for sharing. You are amazingly strong! I don't know if I am brave enough yet to break the silence, but you've given me lots to think about.

[Kate]

This was beautifully written. Its like you took the words right out of my mouth. I am so sad that this happen to you but Im happy you are speaking out. Giving other women who remain silent a voice. Thank you for writing. Yesterday i decided to finally speak up and didn't just tell a friend. I made a video and posted it on Youtube. It feels good that its released. Even if no one watch's it.( but if an one does want to the link is below) Now i wanna keep talking about it until its all out and wont eat ate me from the inside anymore!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXPsJwfavqo

Silverstar, thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful face and positivity with us. You really are strong, a survivor!

[silverstar415850]

aww thank you

[ScorpioJen]

When I was 6 my mom married my step dad, immediately he began molesting me, and the abuse continued into my teenage years. I've only told one other person, and I dont even know him anymore. Im trying very hard to come out to my family and friends with the truth of what happened, to find professional help, but like everyone on this site has said, voicing it is difficult. Im terrified that my family will be ripped apart(My mom is still married to the man that did this to me), that I will be disowned for "lying" that my boyfriend will change the way he acts around me, that I will loose my shakey support system. Thank you all for giving me more courage, and explaining some of the issues I've been dealing with my entire life. Reading other's stories is incredibly helpful, and the advice and support on this site is amazing. Hopefully soon, I'll overcome my fears, and take the first step.

[LivFree]

That was a great post. I recently spoke out to the police after 12 years of keeping it a secret. I am still waiting to do the main interview with a detective. (the policy here is to tell a uniformed officer first.) Though I was terrified of speaking about it before now I just want to get it out into the open and release all this poison that has been living inside me. I don't expect a conviction, but I do want my story on the record in case I might be able to prevent him from hurting anyone else ever again.

It feels good. Like a huge weight has been taken off my chest. I feel calmer and more clear headed. And now I just want to get it out as quickly as possible.

-Liv

[blondie2002]

Sadly, this applies to our male counterparts as well.

[madjanca]

Wonderful. I just wish people saw the truth. I hate the feeling rhat they dont trust me or judge me or think that I should have done something to prevent it. But Im thinking about writing it as a story . Maybe annonymously. Let it published in papers. But Im scared that nobody would care

[Cookinggal1991]

Thank you we need more people like you on the news screaming this its still a taboo where I'm at I swear its like we still live in the 1950s. You are so brave and inspiring.

[dreamcatcher84]

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to you all

I joined Pandy's over a year and a half ago. Besides introducing myself, I haven't really posted much else on the forum until now.

I'm so glad I found this thread. I have survived several experiences involving SA, all have been perpetrated by different individuals. One was an acquaintance that I met at a party. Another was someone I just met after answering his job advertisement. Two others were boyfriends.

The more I educate myself about SA, r#pe, the effects of PTSD, etc. the more it makes sense to me of why we keep silent about it. The guilt, shame, fear of backlash and ruining relationships with family and friends...the fear of not being believed is an enormous elephant in the room that has followed me wherever I go.

The experience that has affected me the worst is the most recent. It happened over 9 months ago. I was in a relationship with my brother's best friend, let’s call him S for Shithead. Quite fitting, don't you think? My brother and S have been friends for over a decade. S was also the best man at my brother's wedding. They’re very close and see each other regularly. My brother also is good friends with S’s brother and sister. They go on golf trips and wine trips and have a good old time together.

I trusted S blindly like my brother trusted him. In return S did nothing but hurt me and betrayed me. He made me feel like it was always my fault and that I should have fought back. He claims not to remember the horrible things he's said and done because he was too drunk to remember.

Bullshit.

How many times has my bother told me stories about his S boasting about his many drunken adventures like it was the funniest thing ever?

Selective memory, much? Is that how S lives with himself and can sleep each night?

I wish I could sleep soundly at night. I wish that I didn't have all these invasive thoughts still haunt me every second of the day and that it wouldn’t affect the intimacy between my current partner and me. I wish I wasn't paranoid and on the lookout whenever I drive because I'm scared his car might drive past me. So many people drive the same car and colour as his so I get freaked out every time I see a car like his anyway. I have a silent panic attack whenever I see someone that looks like him - in person or not. Even just seeing an actor on TV that looks a bit like him makes me sick.

My brother just has to mention S's name in passing conversation and it triggers invasive thoughts for days...or weeks at a time.

I have shared my story with my current boyfriend, therapist, a close friend and my mum. I'm so glad they have believed me and I have their confidence & support. I am in the process of healing but I still have this constant nagging feeling that I need to tell my brother. I don't want to hear him talk about S anymore. We're not close and we don't see each other often but still, even hearing about S occasionally is bad enough. I want to be free of this dirty little secret. Why does it have to be my dirty little secret anyway?!

I would say the reason why I have been so apprehensive of telling my brother because he has never believed me in the past that his best friend has a drinking problem. S is a highly functioning alcoholic that holds a responsible job in the day and drinks every night. My Dad warned me that he was a heavy drinker, but I wasn't sure he was exaggerating or not because Dad's a non-drinker and is quite anti-drinking anyway. I wish I took his warning more seriously. Hindsight's a funny thing.

From Friday to Sunday night, S's objective is to get shitfaced - and stay shitfaced - all weekend long. He would say and do weird things, sometimes creepy sexual stuff, but mostly saying hurtful, critical things towards me. My brother would never believe it because that's not how his S acted with him. My brother would put it down to me being sensitive. After all, I had moved back home with my parents as I had bad anxiety and depression. I was mentally ill and just imagining things.

How can my brother be so blind? So naive? After I got to know S, not only did I realise he was an alcoholic, but his long-time deceased father who died over a decade ago was an alcoholic. He never told me what he died of; I found that out from someone else that it was due to liver failure. S only told me how awesome his dad was and would cry every time he got drunk because he missed him. God, that would suck me in every time. Over time I found out that S’s brother is also an alcoholic and a drug addict. His sister wasn’t an alcoholic but her partner is. People that my brother thought of so fondly and so highly didn’t make sense anymore. What does that say about my brother?

I would always forgive S for what he’d say and do during his weekend-long benders. He was drunk and didn't know what he was doing, after all.

Bullshit. Double, Triple Bullshit.

The night he r#ped me finally opened my eyes. I remember most parts of what happened that night when I was with him. I don't remember what I did after I walked out his front door after he was finished with me. I don't remember driving home or what I did after I got home. Did I have a shower? Did I get any sleep that night?! I do remember what I felt. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I remember asking myself, "What the hell just happened? What the hell was THAT?!"

The next few days all I could think about is that I never wanted to go through that ever again. I never wanted to be intimate again with him either. Less than a week later I confronted him about it and broke up with him.

What haunts me to this day is that after I explained why I was breaking up with him, he tried to turn the blame back onto me. All of a sudden I was the bad guy and he was the victim. He said all sorts of stupid, contradictory things like, I thought you were enjoying yourself. Why didn't you fight back? Why didn't you just leave? You're making me feel bad. How could you tell me I did that to you? I can't remember, I was too drunk. Please don't break up with me. I just had my birthday. How could you do this to me? Just give me another chance.

All I could say back was that I'm not interested in trying another time and I left. I was too afraid to argue and ask him how on earth I could fight back when he had me pinned down on the bed so I couldn’t move. How he continued pin me down and ripping my clothes off while I repeatedly told him no, stop, I don’t want to do this, I want to go home! He was drunk and he was angry that I didn’t want to give him what he wanted, what he though he was entitled to.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the first person he has done this to and I doubt it I will be the last.

A week after the breakup S called me asking me whether I’d read an email he sent me and whether I could give him another chance. He was all sad and saying things to try to make me feel sorry for him. I said the only way I would give him another chance is if he never touched a drop of alcohol again and that he got professional help. All he could muster up for an answer is that he could try and drink light strength beers. I said no and ended the call.

I never read his email either. As soon as I saw it in my inbox I deleted it. To this day I couldn’t care less what he wrote in it.

I attempted to have a relationship two times with this miserable excuse for a human being. The first time lasted a few months and I broke up with him because I was sick of him being a drunken asshole every weekend. The second time lasted 2 months at most. He behaved himself for a couple of weeks and it seemed like he had changed. It was lovely until the façade came down again.

I’ve never been with someone who managed to make me so upset that I would be bawling mess week after week…except for when I was him. I had to constantly walk on eggshells so I wouldn’t offend him but somehow I still managed to set him off one way or another. I wish I never gave him a second chance or he never would have had the chance to….you know. No, I wish I never got involved with him in the first place. But I can't change the past. What happened has happened and I'm slowly getting over the fact that regardless of the circumstances, I never deserved to get r#ped, abused, taken advantage of, etc.

I’ve well and truly had enough of keeping the truth away from my brother. He needs to know whether he believes me or not. I’m hoping that it will lift a huge weight off my shoulders and that it will help me let go of what has happened and I can move on with my life. I’m so done with it. All I want for my brother in return is to never mention about S or any of his family members again. If he still wants to be friends with all of them after I tell him what happened then that’s his problem. He’ll be a complete utter asshole in my eyes but still, it will be his problem and it will no longer be mine.

I feel like I’m about to open a can of worms instead of a can of whoop-ass. Wish me good luck.

Edited January 2, 2015 by dreamcatcher84

[Guest Kia91]

Hello reader, I am having an hugh problem and need advise. Please help... 

I have a 6 year old daughter. She has been doing odd things, well things I find odd. The 3 things are described in this paragraph. #1)For months now she has been taking the clothes off her Barbie dolls. I would repeatedly ask her not to do that but she continued to undress them. I decided to google it to see if I was overreacting. Seems I may have been due to threads of other parents stating its normal. #2)Just last friday I was looking at her gallary on her tablet. I found a recording of her rubbing on herself and taking her clothes off. She then started to pertain to hump something while talking(couldn't completely understand what she was saying) she did that for a while then made a sound like orgasm. Then she fell over and laid down for a few seconds and then put back on her clothes. I was stunned. I asked her about the video and she beings to cry claiming she doesn't know shes just like that. So contacted her doctor that night and on monday I plan to have her evaluated. #3) Okay so today I walk into her room and she had ken and barbie in bed with ken on top. The dolls were fully clothed. I asked her why is her dolls like this and she starts to cry saying ken trying to get the good things out of barbie. I asked, what are the good things? She said a glow stick. I asked, why would he have to be on top? Her response, how else do you get it out? I asked her, has anyone do this to you? She said no. I asked has she seen this before she says she can't remember. 

My issue is I do not know if I am overreacting or is she showing signs of being molested. For 3 months she has been only around me mainly. I am single and not dating (we live alone). We don't have cable but we do watch movies sometimes. Before summer vacation the following people kept her: school, my dad, her aunt(16years old and her boyfriend stays at her house), her grandmother and her great grandmother, her dad. 

The thought of my baby being used or exposed to sex is so upsetting. I just lay in my room and cry. I'm her mother, her only parent and as her parent my main job was to protect her and I feel like I failed her. I need to know the truth but she doesn't trust me, even after I told her if it did happen its not her fault. 

Your personal opinion am I overreacting or are these signs?

[Lil_7]

Thank you Jess. 

These are encouraging words which I need to hear. I am still ashamed and haven't told many people of my experience. And the handful of people that do know I can't openly talk to. 

I'll have to read this post to hopefully gain some courage. 

[LionheartedAndrew]

I am so very sorry for each of you. None of you deserved any of this.  

I agree that far too many women have been shamed and silenced. I can't even begin to imagine what that's like. To be disbelieved by your own family and friend. I am very sorry for that too. I can't imagine the weight of this in the face of society either. 

Again, I am truly sorry. 

[Guest Genuwine]

On 2006-05-27 at 4:53 PM, Jes said:

Sometimes statistics jump into my head and I can't help but think about what would happen if every victim of sexual assault were to simultaneously scream. People would begin, and those who had hadn't been able to acknowledge what has been done to them, would hear, look around, realize that they were not alone and join in. It would be the scream heard across the world and it would be the scream to change the world. No place would be silent, no person on this earth would not hear that scream and the effects of sexual assault would be frighteningly audible and thus undeniable.

#metoo

[Guest Lea92]

Genuwine that quote resonated with me as well.  I am imagining all the survivors of abuse, assault and rape screaming at once.  What a sound that would be.  The sound of strength of all the amazing people who have had enough of been abused, ignored, silenced, teased, bullied, shamed, hurt and humiliated.  As much pain as I am in it makes me feel go to know I am not alone.  I want to find my voice an tell but it is barely a whisper.  Thank you for sharing your stories.

 

 

[Guest Danielle]

Thank you for posting that, it helped a lot. This is my first time and probably last I'll be on here. I am writing this to vent my anger and am hoping it can help me feel better for a moment so I can stop thinking about everything and be able to fall asleep. I have no one else to talk to about this except my mom who shames me for what has happened. I was molested by my mom's boyfriend when I was 5 years old. I think he might have raped me but I black out right before he would have inserted it, so I don't know for sure. After this I told my babysitter what happened, she reported it. My mom was in complete denial to the police and told me to stop lying about it. The police dropped the case because the man who did it, "denied it." What a surprise. My mom let him still live with us so the abuse continued. Eventually she broke up with him. When I was around 7 years old my mom brought in a male babysitter who made me and my brother perform sexual acts on eachother. When I was 12 I told my mom about both of these events of sexual abuse and she told me to forget about it and to stop telling my friend what happened. This taught me that if I'm ever abused I need to keep my mouth shut. So when I was 13 two men in their early 20's raped me at the same time while my friends were in the other room sleeping. I was also raped by an ex when I was 22 years old. Once I got closer to my 30's I realized how messed up all of this was. I tried going to the police about my abuse when I was 5. I thought I would have a solid case since it was reported at the time of the event. BUT once again they won't take the time to pursue it only because the man who molested me said he didn't do it. They won't even let it go to trial. This has led me to give up on even thinking about reporting the other events. I know this isn't what I should do but I feel like the only way in Arizona you can take someone to trial is if they admit to it or you have the incident recorded. Which when the hell does that ever happen?? On top of all of this whenever I try to talk to my mom about it she tells me to shut the F up and to stop bringing it up because it makes her upset. I really want to cut her out of my life but she always pulls me back in. I had to experience sexual abuse on top of my moms physical and emotional abuse she inflicted throughout my life. I'm sorry for the rant. I'm sure you all have been in the position where you just want to yell about what's happened to you. I'm sorry that you all are going through this pain and I wish we could get the justice we deserve. Thank you for all of your posts they have helped me feel a little better.

[Guest 17b]

Thank you.

[Guest hls2014]

Hi guys my psychiatrist is trying to make me report my assault after 8 years my anxiety is so bad and I'm scared I don't know what to do I was 17 years old when I was raped by someone in my highschool

[Patricia]

You may have the right to decide not to report.  Talk with your psychiatrist and ask if you MUST report and if you can delay until you feel less anxious about this.  He/she may be able to help you work on the anxiety until you feel strong enough to report.

Gently,

Patricia