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Disappointments abounds

Posted by bellachai , 03 May 2013 · 92 views

:bawling:/> I feel as if I am surrounded by nothing but disappointment. I know they all feed off each other like I am being engulfed by fire and all the disappointments are doing a war dance all around me just waiting for me to die. I keep fighting to stay alive and I ask myself why do I keep fighting?

I had a doctors appointment with my hematologist. Good news is my iron levels and hemoglobin are in the normal range but unfortunately I have to continue taking the liquid rust with grape after taste iron supplement. I will have on and off again affair with anemia for the rest of my life. The anemia is due to blood thinner I take for my mystery clotting disorder. None of this is new to me but I find it disappointing.

My hematologist doctor had ordered a neck xray for me at my request cuz ever since I fell and broke my ankle and arm my neck pain has increased. The first part of April when I did not have heat the pain was so severe I wanted my head cut off The results of that xray came in.

My primary physician did not think an xray was needed cuz "there isn't much that can be done for neck pain". He did not think physical therapy would be beneficial. He suggested going to a chiropractor or get a massage.

I had a neck xray in 2007 due to chronic neck pain. It showed arthritis moderate. The result now are that the arthritis has severely progressed more so on the right side. My hematologist doctor immediately scheduled me to start on physical therapy. He does not want me to go to a chiropractor but massage therapy maybe beneficial. Nice no money for that right now. At least Medicaid pays for physical therapy.

My first thought was I was right and I have been asking for options for three years and I was just disregarded. I had a brief moment of wanting to say 'I told you so jerks'. Especially since I had them look at the swelling on the right side of my neck. That feeling was short lived cuz I did not really want to be right. What else is going to go wrong with my health?

Intuitively I know that my failing health now has something to do with all the damage the evil stepfather caused my body and soul with the frequent hospital stays and bladder surgeries I had. I find this all so disappointing.

I have been somewhat quiet here the last few days cuz this doctor visit triggered more disappointments.

And I have been having nightmares (the moon has been full here). I rarely have gory or violent nightmares anymore. I had one two days ago and it is still lingering with me. I dreamed my youngest nephew chopped is left hand off on purpose and all my family members just seemed okay with that and I was waving is cutoff hand at all my family members screaming "this is okay with you all?" I was ignored.

I can't seem to put out the fire cuz my barrel does not have any water in it cuz it is filled with too many disappointments. I have been reflecting on if all my other disappointments joining the war against me dance is being petty.

What did me in today was my home health care girl. I talked this over with her and even asked her if I was being petty by a few of the examples that I am feeling disappointed about. She gave me a big hug today and I have to sign off on what she does here for me and today I saw what she wrote in the comments section. She wrote that I was the nicest person and I am a joy to help. I can't even remember the last time my daughter hugged me or asked me how I am. That is a huge disappointment. This home health girl is marrying a marine on the 20th of this month and moving to California as he is stationed at Camp Pendleton. That is disappointing. Then what?

I don't know how to get past this.

Blessings to all and thank you for reading all this, so long.



:hug: :hug: :hug: if ok
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right Bella. Your home health care girl is right, you are an incredibly nice person. In regards to your daughter not physically showing her love (via hugs etc) much, sometimes people take for granted the wonderful people in their lives.

Sending you lots of healing energy and hugs :hug:/> :hug:/> :hug:/>
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MaybeJoleisa
May 05 2013 06:45 PM
I'm sorry for all the disappointments, Bella.... I wish I knew what else to say, but I feel for you.

:hug:/> :hug:/> :hug:/> if ok



Thank you (((ravel))). your hugs are always welcome. :metoyou:

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right Bella. Your home health care girl is right, you are an incredibly nice person. In regards to your daughter not physically showing her love (via hugs etc) much, sometimes people take for granted the wonderful people in their lives. Sending you lots of healing energy and hugs :hug:/>/> :hug:/>/> :hug:/>/>



Thank you (((irish))). You are so kind. Your support and caring mean a lot to me. :metoyou:

I'm sorry for all the disappointments, Bella.... I wish I knew what else to say, but I feel for you.

Thank you (((MaybeJ))). Your support means the world to me. I hope all is well with you. :metoyou:
i hope you are lucky and your next home health care girl is wonderful too. i'm not at all surprised that she wrote such a lovely thing....it's true. you are beautiful.

dunno if you get email notifications so just wanted to say, wrote a reply on your blog from other day. the paint me invisible one.

i've been having that 'i told you so jerks' feeling too. sorry your neck has progressed so much, i have arthritis in mine too but told it's currently minor. glad at least the physical therapy is covered right? and that your hematologist sounds like his head isn't up his arse and actually listened to you. a start.... sorry everything sucks at the moment.

:wub: :blanket: :cuppa: (((((my friend)))))

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