when music is the only place for solace...
And there's nothing left to prove,
so just hold the one you can't love
in the sweet arms of a tune"
- Missy Higgins
I love Missy Higgins - local Aussie girl from my town. I have been listening to her new song on repeat today. Her songs have traveled with me through many a difficult time in my life.
So here I am again. Really struggling. Feeling angry with my abusive neglectful family. Taking anger out on myself - which I know i don't deserve - but I feel so angry that I am so f*cked up inside
Therapy has been too hard lately. I want to drop out. I spent four hours crying last night - just endless waves of pain. Pain about not having a normal, loving mother who cares about me, who could cut me off so easily. Pain about being abused. Pain about all the horrible childhood memories I have. Pain about not being able to remember one happy memory. Pain about how much I have struggled in my life. Pain about all the therapy I have done, and I am still struggling. It's not fair.
I have so much rage inside me and I don't know where to put it.
My therapist has changed the rules on me - now decided that writing between sessions to her is not a good things. I feel cheated, ripped off, upset, even though I understand why she made that decision.
I just feel so angry and alone.
I am going to try to start writing here again - maybe that will help.