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3:00 A.M. Anxiety, Stress, ?

Posted by bj_bear , in Just Somethin 20 August 2013 · 210 views

I'm my mother's primary caregiver. That should be enough to fill in the gaps for this entry.

Mom rarely sleeps thru the night. As an insomniac for over 20 years - whenever I can sleep it is wonderful and cannot be interrupted or I'll usually remain awake.

Well...12:00am mom's clock radio goes off blaring country music..which generally I enjoy but NOT at midnight on a catch up on sleep night. Somehow she has set that damn thing and I can't unset it! She of course is clueless.

I find her splayed out asleep on her bed with her feet on the floor. I try to wake her to get her re-oriented on the bed but she wakes insisting she was not asleep and has to go to the bathroom. It is then another 40 minutes of her bumbling about from bedroom to bathroom and back...throwing out bits of conversation at me over and over while I try to fall back to sleep. I manage to get back to sleep only to wake at 2:55am - I'm not sure what woke me..but looky mom is still in the bathroom. I bully her back to bed...and find myself 40 minutes later still awake and filled with unknown anxiety. That mix of shoulds, maybes, yucky, etc. Somewhere in the earlier 40 minutes I read a text from a friend and had a waking dream of sorts...(don't know if i was awake or asleep).

Her text wasn't bad - but she's been keeping a secret or thinks she has. I already know and don't want to address it directly if she won't. But it just set off feelings of pressure. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders but I can't specify any one thing. I hate that blank feeling of blind anxiety.

So I couldn't sleep and am now exhausted but preparing for work at 6:45am. While I also shepherd my mom from bed to bathroom back to bedroom - help her dress, get her breakfast, and get her out to adult daycare. I feel pulled in so many directions but I am well aware that my life is blessed in many ways.

Still my life is lonely, crazy, chaotic and ack!!!! I just don't know anything or have the words for what is missing. Its like I could fix it, but I refuse to help myself. I refuse to get to the other side of this .... whatever it is! Ack!!!!!!

July 2016

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