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I just want to be free, i just want to run and never stop. Just keep running until there is nothing left of me to go on. I am tired and I am sick, But most of all I am broken, beaten down, and abused. I am a used toy, old and chipped. My wheels no longer turn, and my color is faded.
This feeling, this overwhelming feeling of helplessness kicks in every year during the holidays, right as the anniversary comes up. It ruins me with pills and scars. This year is worse then others, i am gone, gone from reality. I am getting high above the clouds where no one can touch me, drinking away my tears, and cuting out my scars. The pain is harder to control then ever before, its eating me from the inside out. Its taking more pills and more drinks and more cuts to make it fade. I dont eat i dont sleep. My anxiety is creeping on like a bad dream. I am watching myself drown in international waters, where no one will find me.
My mood is changing, my personallity disorder is rearing its ugly teeth to the world. I cant control it, i feel like two different people at one time. I can feel myself screaming inside to stop but i cant. I think its worse mentally watching yourself fade away while your silently screaming for someone to save you from the prison of your own mind.
Its like a video thats on repeat. I will forever be that 13 year old girl scared, waiting for her father to come save her, wanting him to wake up and make it stop. But he will never make it stop, he doesnt speak to me anymore, he doesn't believe that it happened.
and i am forever ruined.
This feeling, this overwhelming feeling of helplessness kicks in every year during the holidays, right as the anniversary comes up. It ruins me with pills and scars. This year is worse then others, i am gone, gone from reality. I am getting high above the clouds where no one can touch me, drinking away my tears, and cuting out my scars. The pain is harder to control then ever before, its eating me from the inside out. Its taking more pills and more drinks and more cuts to make it fade. I dont eat i dont sleep. My anxiety is creeping on like a bad dream. I am watching myself drown in international waters, where no one will find me.
My mood is changing, my personallity disorder is rearing its ugly teeth to the world. I cant control it, i feel like two different people at one time. I can feel myself screaming inside to stop but i cant. I think its worse mentally watching yourself fade away while your silently screaming for someone to save you from the prison of your own mind.
Its like a video thats on repeat. I will forever be that 13 year old girl scared, waiting for her father to come save her, wanting him to wake up and make it stop. But he will never make it stop, he doesnt speak to me anymore, he doesn't believe that it happened.
and i am forever ruined.
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1 Comments On This Entry
I believe you lost Dancer, and remember that you never need anyone elses to say so either. You have the memories and hold the invisible scar, no one needs to remind you of that, or solidified what you said happened. I'm sorry it happened to you! Im sorry your family can't be there! Im sorry you hurt! I hope you find peace!! I hope you find a little bit of strength each day, even when feeling worse then the day before!
paintinblue2013,
20 November 2012 - 04:53 PM
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