Jump to content



Posted by paintinblue2013 , 07 January 2013 · 107 views

I started dating someone new. and its now over.... Its always the same thing they never know what they want (which I take that more like they aren't into me...) I feel like a freak of nature I just get so attached easy, and I'm always so willing to give it my all, it just gets harder and harder each time trying to put myself out there... I know what I want and what I am looking for, I'm open and willing to make a commitment and yet though I have notice a pattern often in myself within my dating life. I often sleep with people too fast. I just can't help it. I don't find or understand waiting and honestly I almost never really enjoy it. Because of the abuse that happened as a kid I often can't climax. My muscles don't allow myself to relax and I often think this was cus I was touched so young as a child. Sometimes when I am really intoxicated it is a little bit different. I also have a hard time explaining this to people and even feel like maybe the guy wont want to date me in knowing how much I really don't enjoy it.... Its not hard for me to do it just all the mental stuff that goes on in my head. In addition afterwards, I just start to panic. I panic that I will never hear from him again, I panic at thought of the relationship just being a one night stand. I panic at the thoughts of people judging me for own my sexuality. But I think the worst is the fear of losing the person I want to date. I never slept with a guy with the intention of not having a relationship no matter how soon it was. I hate that guys think or say that girls who sleep with you on a first date are sluttish or they make all the assumptions that you can't be faithful, or don't like you.... Yet I have still been in that place where I give it up in hopes of having a relationship just to be rejected... It makes me feel so bad about myself. I am constantly feeling like am not good enough, or that hes going to find excuse in not wanting to date me rather than giving me a chance. I feel even worse sometimes thinking about the photos that are out there along with the videos, I dont even know where to begin to explain what had happened. Even though The guys I have told have taken it well, I just feel like no ones ganna want to date someone like me, knowing the videos are out there make me feel so worse about myself. Just a hunting and like no guy is going to respect me, even if I didn't know about it, or never wanted stuff like that out there...I still haven't told this person about the charges. This is all so hard for me to do. I am a very open and honest person. but I feel like telling him will end the relationship maybe not, but it just makes me feel so dirty.... I honestly feel like no one really wants to date me anyways, maybe thats part of the reason I give it so easy to, but its completely about showing this person I don't want to loss them. Yet I feel like the one intimate act you can give someone doesn't even feel intimate anyone... I hate myself... I hate who I am, and who I have grown to be... I was never like this, It was never this bad until the last time I was raped... Until I met him.

July 2016

24252627 28 2930

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.