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Locked Away - Memories

Posted by sailor , 04 March 2014 · 204 views

Two weeks ago I traveled to my home state for a grand jury hearing. I believe it was more of a formality... they already knew everything, they actually know more than I do, they just needed to hear it from me first hand.
I took a friend with me. We arrived at the court house and were greeted by my victim's advocate, the detective I have been working with, and the DA. My detective went in first to speak with the jury, it didn't last long and then I was called in. The jury was made up of seven women around a long table. The DA asked me some questions, I have trouble remembering them now since I was very nervous and didn't really want to talk about it in front of so many people. They consoled me, did their best to make me feel comfortable.
I had to tell him about the one clear molestation memory I have. Where he put me on his lap and I felt a stabbing discomfort under me, and he tickled my arm pits while reaching under my shirt. The memory some times includes a sick feeling low in my stomach... the DA asked me "Is it possible he touched you anywhere else?" he was asking about this memory... I told him that I didn't know. It's possible but I can't see it.
They let me go and told me that I could wait to hear what they decide to do next. It didn't take long before the DA came back. He told me that they were going to proceed with charges. He said, "We're in a unique situation here, since he has confessed to far more than you currently remember. He admits to touching your private parts" He said they were going to charge him with 10 counts of child sex abuse in the first degree. I only remember one time...
Further talking to the DA and detective I find out that they believe there is easily 20+ counts, but since I don't remember more than one, 10 is the number they picked...
It is.. shocking. This isn't what I expected when I started this process, I barely had hope that they would be able to add one count to his record.
It is also validating. I believed I was hunted, when I only had memory of him watching me. I believed that I had been hurt worse/more than just the one time... but at the same time, I told myself that I couldn't believe those things.
Now I consider begging my inner self to keep those memories blocked.


First, big respect to you for going through that hearing. I am awed to tears at your calm description of what must have been very painful.

I also feel so glad that you have some validation for what happened and that you have people looking out for you - it sounds as if they treated you with compassion and respect.

Thinking of you. The memories will come if/when you are 'ready' - ie in a safe enough place somehow (it seems to be).

Please be very specially kind to yourself right now - you could have a big reaction to all of this over the coming days.

Thank you, Susanna. :)


I have broken down a couple times. If I really think about it I am not able to stay so calm... 


I do have to remind myself of the amazing support I am finding along the way, while not dwelling on the support that is still not available (parents especially).


Thank you for the reminder to be kind to myself... it is easy to fall back on old coping habits.


I think I meant your description of it. It makes a lot of sense that 'calm' is not what you actually feel.

It's ok not to feel grateful for much or even anything right now - but whenever you feel supported by anyone, if you recognise that at the time it may help make the most of that support.


July 2016

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