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Day 93: Eroding Will to Live - Yep, I do Need Therapy **trigger warning**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 March 2014 · 175 views

Mar. 13, 2014 (22 Days Into Becoming):
 
It was wonderfully uplifting to write yesterday's posting. My heart was soaring all day today when I thought about it, and even more so when I read the responses.
 
The community here is so amazing!Posted Image
 
**Trigger Warning** my subject matter today is pretty dark. I'm feeling dark right now.
 
I had therapy today and now I have a few homework assignments. My therapy session was quite distressing because we began to talk about what comes next for me. These last three months have been (oddly) somehow a little more safe --- being focused on just the gynecologic exam --- than what I see ahead of me. Even though the gynecologic exam was incredibly frightening and stressful to face, there was a defined goal, a destination. In a sense, I climbed one mountain and found beyond it a whole range more that I must yet climb. I'm feeling intimidated and not equal to the task.
 
I found myself thinking after therapy today I might not actually need therapy. I have been kicking myself all day about it. The old messages have been blaring in my head.
  • You are fine. You don't need therapy.
  • Look at how successful you are in your life. You have a happy family. You have a good career. You like your job and you're doing work you love. You don't need therapy.
  • What more could you possibly want out of life? You don't need therapy.
  • You're just going through a mid-life crisis. You don't need therapy.
  • You're just craving attention. You don't need therapy.
  • You're just feeling sorry for yourself. You don't need therapy.
  • Therapy can't fix what's wrong. You're just feeling listless. Everyone feels that way now and then. You don't need therapy.
It's my mom's voice still! Posted Image
 
I hear her voice in things many other people say. I sometimes imagine her voice is in my therapist's head, meaning my therapist thinks all of these things too. My therapist asked me today if I feel emotions toward her. She was listing people in my life to find out who I feel emotions toward. Well, the simple answer to her question was, "no." My response was blunt. I didn't try to soften it. I feel a little bad about it. But, I didn't know what would be the right way to answer the question. It caught me off guard.
 
In truth, I really only have deep feelings for my children. No one else feels like someone I couldn't lose. I would be devastated if I lost either of my kids. I feel a little bit connected to two of my siblings. But, I really have no sense of true emotional connecting with them either. The same is true of my husband. I don't really even have any friends I truly feel connected to emotionally.
 
We had a fair amount of conversation on this topic today and I think it got me quite stirred up. She asked what I think we should address next. I suggested going through my blog from the start. I think I've identified all of the issues now (at least everything I'm aware of at this point). There is a lot here.
 
I need to really hear myself saying that. "There is a lot here." I have exposed in this blog many issues I have never addressed. I never fully opened any of this when I was in therapy years ago. Back then all we did was take a very quick peek into one issue. We also resolved my acting out behaviors (promiscuity and drinking). I learned how to drive everything deep underground resulting in SI and heroic risk taking.
 
I need to really hear myself saying that. "I learned how to drive everything deep underground, resulting in SI and heroic risk taking." As much as I want to shame myself out of sticking with the healing process, it would hurt me. To be completely, brutally honest, I know I will put my own life at risk if I don't resolve these issues. My will to live is eroding a tiny little bit every day.
 
I need to really hear myself saying that. "My will to live is eroding a tiny little bit every day."

 
I do need therapy. It is not shameful. It is a need. I still need it because I have a lot of wounds that are festering. Posted Image
 
OK. I can't believe I'm going to actually post this. But, I'm sticking to my rule of telling the truth, no matter how embarrassed I am about exposing my irrational thinking.
 
Last thing: my two home work assignments. 1) send the relevant blog postings to my therapist; 2) complete the 2nd stage of the 50-statements exercise. Having work to do is a good thing right now.Posted Image



:metoyou:

This is all really big stuff. I wonder if you might tell your T sometime about those negative voices and about how they are from your mom and also perhaps her.

Thinking of you.
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yarnfoolishness
Mar 14 2014 10:55 AM

I wonder if you realize how 'heroic' it is to choose honesty and to choose to see what's going on inside.

 

I wonder if you realize how 'heroic' it is to look at your heroic risk taking and recognize it for the distraction-from-pain that it is.

 

Sending good thoughts and compassion.

No one else feels like someone I couldn't lose. . . . I feel a little bit connected to two of my siblings. But, I really have no sense of true emotional connecting with them either. . . . I don't really even have any friends I truly feel connected to emotionally.

I thought it was just me :(

Thanks for writing this.

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intrepidshe
Mar 14 2014 10:35 PM

metoyou.gif

This is all really big stuff. I wonder if you might tell your T sometime about those negative voices and about how they are from your mom and also perhaps her.

Thinking of you.

 

 

I wonder if you realize how 'heroic' it is to choose honesty and to choose to see what's going on inside.

 

I wonder if you realize how 'heroic' it is to look at your heroic risk taking and recognize it for the distraction-from-pain that it is.

 

Sending good thoughts and compassion.

 

 

 

No one else feels like someone I couldn't lose. . . . I feel a little bit connected to two of my siblings. But, I really have no sense of true emotional connecting with them either. . . . I don't really even have any friends I truly feel connected to emotionally.

I thought it was just me sad.png

Thanks for writing this.

 

 

I am realizing that opening up to you all here is the kind of communication I need, the connecting I have missed. When something happens to one of you, I feel it. I rejoice when good things happen and I feel angry or sad when you're hurting. 

 

Someone, my memory can't retrieve who, said it is more difficult to accept love than to give love. I have become vulnerable and opened my heart here. I am learning to give and to receive.

 

I can't find the words to express what this means to me. Emoticon_tears_of_joy.png

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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