Day 93: Eroding Will to Live - Yep, I do Need Therapy **trigger warning**
It was wonderfully uplifting to write yesterday's posting. My heart was soaring all day today when I thought about it, and even more so when I read the responses.
The community here is so amazing!
**Trigger Warning** my subject matter today is pretty dark. I'm feeling dark right now.
I had therapy today and now I have a few homework assignments. My therapy session was quite distressing because we began to talk about what comes next for me. These last three months have been (oddly) somehow a little more safe --- being focused on just the gynecologic exam --- than what I see ahead of me. Even though the gynecologic exam was incredibly frightening and stressful to face, there was a defined goal, a destination. In a sense, I climbed one mountain and found beyond it a whole range more that I must yet climb. I'm feeling intimidated and not equal to the task.
I found myself thinking after therapy today I might not actually need therapy. I have been kicking myself all day about it. The old messages have been blaring in my head.
- You are fine. You don't need therapy.
- Look at how successful you are in your life. You have a happy family. You have a good career. You like your job and you're doing work you love. You don't need therapy.
- What more could you possibly want out of life? You don't need therapy.
- You're just going through a mid-life crisis. You don't need therapy.
- You're just craving attention. You don't need therapy.
- You're just feeling sorry for yourself. You don't need therapy.
- Therapy can't fix what's wrong. You're just feeling listless. Everyone feels that way now and then. You don't need therapy.
I hear her voice in things many other people say. I sometimes imagine her voice is in my therapist's head, meaning my therapist thinks all of these things too. My therapist asked me today if I feel emotions toward her. She was listing people in my life to find out who I feel emotions toward. Well, the simple answer to her question was, "no." My response was blunt. I didn't try to soften it. I feel a little bad about it. But, I didn't know what would be the right way to answer the question. It caught me off guard.
In truth, I really only have deep feelings for my children. No one else feels like someone I couldn't lose. I would be devastated if I lost either of my kids. I feel a little bit connected to two of my siblings. But, I really have no sense of true emotional connecting with them either. The same is true of my husband. I don't really even have any friends I truly feel connected to emotionally.
We had a fair amount of conversation on this topic today and I think it got me quite stirred up. She asked what I think we should address next. I suggested going through my blog from the start. I think I've identified all of the issues now (at least everything I'm aware of at this point). There is a lot here.
I need to really hear myself saying that. "There is a lot here." I have exposed in this blog many issues I have never addressed. I never fully opened any of this when I was in therapy years ago. Back then all we did was take a very quick peek into one issue. We also resolved my acting out behaviors (promiscuity and drinking). I learned how to drive everything deep underground resulting in SI and heroic risk taking.
I need to really hear myself saying that. "I learned how to drive everything deep underground, resulting in SI and heroic risk taking." As much as I want to shame myself out of sticking with the healing process, it would hurt me. To be completely, brutally honest, I know I will put my own life at risk if I don't resolve these issues. My will to live is eroding a tiny little bit every day.
I need to really hear myself saying that. "My will to live is eroding a tiny little bit every day."
I do need therapy. It is not shameful. It is a need. I still need it because I have a lot of wounds that are festering.
OK. I can't believe I'm going to actually post this. But, I'm sticking to my rule of telling the truth, no matter how embarrassed I am about exposing my irrational thinking.
Last thing: my two home work assignments. 1) send the relevant blog postings to my therapist; 2) complete the 2nd stage of the 50-statements exercise. Having work to do is a good thing right now.