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I really do give myself credit... I am an AMAZING person.. a fighter, strong, compassionate, loving, moral. I know these things about myself. But a person can only do so much, take so much before they reach a limit. I am at my limit.
I was married for 10 years to an abuser. I was naive and knew little about the ways of the world. We fell in love, I became pregnant, we married, and then he raped me. I was so naive I didn't even realize what happened to me was rape. I was in labor with our first child. It was early labor... but I was in pain and 9 months pregnant. He pinned me to the sofa and wouldn't let me up. I was on my back, he was sitting on my legs and he held my arms. I couldn't move. I was in pain... my labor was in my back. He wanted sex. I hurt... everywhere. I didn't want to. And crazy as this may sound... I still feel guilty that I didn't want to. I said no. I continued to say no. He wouldn't let me up.... wouldn't let me move. This was his LAST CHANCE to have sex for 6 weeks. I didn't want to.... I said no. He wouldn't let me move. I was trapped. I was is pain. For a long time. Probably 30-45 minutes. Finally I gave in. I figured the discomfort of sex was better than being pinned to my back indefinitely. So he had sex with me and I was able to get up.
It was many years before I realized this was rape. My husband forced me to have sex with him many times before I left him. Always I was the problem.... I was gay; I was cold; I was punishing him.... the list goes on. But the truth is.... no one wants to have sex with a rapist. No one.
I was married for 10 years to an abuser. I was naive and knew little about the ways of the world. We fell in love, I became pregnant, we married, and then he raped me. I was so naive I didn't even realize what happened to me was rape. I was in labor with our first child. It was early labor... but I was in pain and 9 months pregnant. He pinned me to the sofa and wouldn't let me up. I was on my back, he was sitting on my legs and he held my arms. I couldn't move. I was in pain... my labor was in my back. He wanted sex. I hurt... everywhere. I didn't want to. And crazy as this may sound... I still feel guilty that I didn't want to. I said no. I continued to say no. He wouldn't let me up.... wouldn't let me move. This was his LAST CHANCE to have sex for 6 weeks. I didn't want to.... I said no. He wouldn't let me move. I was trapped. I was is pain. For a long time. Probably 30-45 minutes. Finally I gave in. I figured the discomfort of sex was better than being pinned to my back indefinitely. So he had sex with me and I was able to get up.
It was many years before I realized this was rape. My husband forced me to have sex with him many times before I left him. Always I was the problem.... I was gay; I was cold; I was punishing him.... the list goes on. But the truth is.... no one wants to have sex with a rapist. No one.
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