Pandora's Aquarium: The Post Break-Up Struggle - Pandora's Aquarium

:banghead:/>

I texted the ex. :banghead:/>

Oh don't you worry, I berated myself for it! I just had to say one thing. I had to tell him that I was kind of shocked how easily he let me go. This is a guy who said 'I love you', 'I want you to be my wife', 'I want to marry you' and so on. So, naturally, when I broke up with him - I thought it would have been like pulling teeth - at least a little.

So, shouldn't I be happy that we are now both 'happy'? Why am I acting like my feet should be kissed? Why do I expect him to grovel? What kind of person breaks up with someone, and then is dissapointed at no challenge?

I wanted to break up - things did not feel right, I was losing interest because he was too demanding, controlling etc. and his opinion seemed to matter full stop. There wasn't much room for mine anymore!

Mind you? This is a young situation. Only 3 months of courting/dating, and three dates (if you could even call them that).

Why am I shocked? Why am I suprised? Do I miss HIM, or do I miss the comfort of having someone to talk to daily and the security of a relationship? I must admit. Being back to single feels like a lonely walk at night. I feel like I'm gradually becoming more anxious about life in general and that my safe house has gone. This is exactly the feeling that I didn't want Post-Assault. I did not want to associate my safety, healing and progress with a relationship. Somehow, I have.

I am killing myself with unproductive thoughts.

* Why didn't he like me more?
* Did he mean the things he said? DID he love me?
* Why does he want to be friends?

Now yesterday I hit rock bottom. He texted back and said 'what can I do? I have to move forward. It is life. Can I call?' I had no credit so drove to mum's and usurped their Internet for half an hour. I facebooked him and made out as if I was fine, it was fine and that I still love him (as a mate) and I wish the best for him. I lied, and said I had a date tonight and that I was excited about the prospect of dating again.

a) I hate dating
b) I'm not excited - I'm clueless!
c) I don't want him back but I want him to CARE!
d) I'm somehow offended that he wants to be friends!?

What is wrong with me?! I feel used - and yet, what could he of used me for? He listened to me whine, rant, rave. He heard me cry and consoled me. He waited for sex and then, we only had it twice. I mock broke-up with him about 3 times. No wonder he's happy to be out! He said I'm crazy. I'm not - but I sure have acted crazy!

I feel guilty because once I needed him, inordinately, daily, just to function. Then I lost interest and he picked up on it. I feel so bad for that. Then I broke it off with him. And he knew it was coming he could 'feel' it was different (he said).

I feel like the stronger I become in myself, the more my needs develop and become slightly more complex and sophisticated. Does anyone else relate to that?

I tell you what, I am NOT looking forward to my Therapy session this Friday! My T said he liked the sound of him! He will think I am 'sabotaging' myself but not allowing myself to have a relationship. Well I don't want a relationship with a man who:

- hates gay people
- won't go down on a woman and think's it is disgusting
- accuses me of being unfaithful or suspicious if I don't answer my phone
- expects me to tell him my whereabouts 24/7 or else be punished emotionally (he withdraws)
- figures that now that I have had sex with him, I should be healed and never mention the assault, my feelings or anything to do with it.
- control me with the prospect and promise of love, committment and safety; yet enact something which is more about possession and ownership!

I'm so sorry to rant - he was so sickly sweet on facebook that it made me doubt myself and my choice. 'I'm sorry if I made you upset. We did have good times together'

To which I said: 'you didn't :)/>. you just weren't what you said initially. yeah, it was ok. Take care'

I know - harsh. But I feel like he is one of those men who puts on a sweet and considerate front and is actually a real old-fashioned jerk!

Abby