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out of it again

Posted by whodatninja , 18 July 2014 · 79 views

disassociating real bad again. i stopped seeing those clowns after they pissed me off. no one listens to me anyway. they're content in doping me up and ignoring me. my family ignores me too. i have to pretend to be happy around them. mother knows something not right because i stay in my room constantly now and drink alone. but i refuse to discuss it as she wont listen to me either. i try to make friends but they're fake or self absorbed. i talk to the neigbor but it's surface bullshit. we drink on weekends bitch about our jobs during the week and that's it.
im getting sick of dealing with people in general. i'm looking at my ingredients list for the cocktail i planned to put together. it's very tempting. CB wants me to go see him. twice i couldn't, hopefully he pulls something together. i want to see him but there's this conference coming up i need to save money for. sister claims she's going but she's busy dicking around hanging with her friends instead of working. she;s not serious about it and i'm not even going to work anymore. she don't care and i told her i quit. i'm sick of supporting her doing everything whle she takes off to party.
the books aren't selling at all. i should just realise i'm a shitty writer. after 600+ rejection letters, i need to get it together and stop deluding myself. my so called dumbass friends lied to me. i don't have any other skills. if my computer wasn't always on the fritz i'd written some games by now. but i never get anything finished.
i hate being poor. i fucking want out of this town but no matter where i move, i'm always in the shit neighborhood being bothered by stupid racist people. i'll see CB first before i do it. i refuse to be 35 and stil that poor loser nobody wants. except for him, no one else will miss me.


Please can you tell CB how bad you're feeling?

Is there any online support you can get? Please can you contact someone for more direct support?

We would miss you if you weren't here.

I hear how much your books mean to you and how hard you have worked on everything in your life. It is what was/is done to you that prevents you from finishing things/doing things the way you want. You deserve to heal.

You also deserve to live around people who respect you in every way. Just because you don't right now doesn't mean you can't in the future.

Jul 19 2014 09:14 AM

The hotline people will only have me sent away. I don't bother calling them anymore either. They're full of it too. Even if I don't use 'key words'  they give up and call the cops.


I would move away again, but my money's tied up supporting my sick mother since idiot brother and selfish sister won't do it. Mother's not going anytime soon. The stubborn old cow might linger another 20 years.


I don't want to worry CB. He's got enough problems being in the clink trying to surive. last he needs is to worry about his crazy aunt.

If you're reading this...

... then you know I don't put in trigger.gif labels. Welcome inside my head. You've been warned.

December 2014

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