IT'S NOT MY FAULT
No matter how much people sit around and tell me that this horrible act committed by A****** is my fault, I know it is not. I am not supposed to be blamed by people about this. What is the damn point of doing this to me? To watch me cry, to watch me wither up on the floor, to just finally make me turn to solitude, or to watch me continue to hurt myself until something worse happens. What more can make me turn around and hate people so much.
Mommy, what the fuck is telling me it is my fault day and night going to do for us. For you it continues to fall under the fact that you tell me that I am just making this continue longer than this needs to be. The truth is that for me this rape was more than loosing my virginity in anyway. You say that you would want to just forget it and that seems like a great idea but that doesn’t really work for me. Just forgetting it is not a possible thing, it is NOT reality.
I cannot control what you wish for me to control but it is not all that simple. I was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt the night that I was raped, so it definitely was not what I was wearing. And not to be a rude bitch but I can wear what the fuck I want to wear and it still would not have given him a damn right to rape me. It is my body.
O.K. for the damn ass comment of, “Are you sure it just wasn’t regret after sex?” NO it was not it was rape, in no way, no matter how you twist it is rape. If I say no and pull away and than later on submit it is still rape. Me submitting was not giving him permission it was more.
Mommy you probably you do not remember this and even if you did you probably would still deny it but the factor of it is that your damn ass boyfriend in Treadwell, B**, fucking sexually abused me and yet you probably would say it never occurred. For me the night of A****** raping me brought back that horrible time that I had pushed away for many year. Me submitting was not a yes, but instead a travel outside my body not feeling pain, cold, hurt, etc…. instead it was a travel to my past and above me. I seriously remember looking down at myself thinking, “God please just kill me.”
Yes he was un-armed, he had no weapons of any kind but himself. Not to be mean but that was enough for me. The factor that when I did try to get out of it he just held me down by my hips and spread my legs open with his knees. Within this process both of my knees had popped in and out of socket three times. For the next three months I had bruises around my knees and hips. To think about when he gave me oral he actually fucking bit me there. Of course there is more but this is more than what I have talked about ever. I know I normally say he fingered me, gave me oral, and raped me. But in truth there has always been more but I am too scared to talk. As is right now at 11:46 at night I still want to go ahead and delete this out of fear.
I am scared of being judged and being told that none of this is true and that I am just lying. I am working so hard at trusting people and yet it is this topic that makes me scared the most. My dreams are haunted almost every night because of this experience; yes if I took my meds I could sleep but being drowsy through out the day is not my cup of tea either. I know it may seem like I am crazy but I promise you that I am not, just a little scared to tell about that night.
A****** instilled more than just additional fear but he took something from me. It has taken me about a year to figure it out but he has taken a piece of me. A part of me personal self taken. He has also taught me though that I can overcome any obstacle.
Signing off scared and unsure of the future,
Hope it was worth reading