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She Wants Me Happy

Posted by Wither , 17 February 2014 · 105 views

My youngest daughter sat on the couch kitty-corner to the one I was lying on today. She didn't speak. As I often do, to the chagrin of my kids, I kept looking at her. I always check on my girls. This time I could see her face, which was sad, and her eyes were watery. I asked what was wrong. I had to bug her a bit coz i think she was afraid of either making me angry or hurting me. Maybe it was both. Probably.
Finally, she spoke. She said it bothered her that all i do is lie down or sleep. She has school. Daddy has his job. What do i do? Nothing. I let her talk, get her feelings out without judgement. All the while she spoke, i thought of how right she was and what could I say? How can I explain it? She does see me pushing myself, getting up, driving places, doing chores, etc. But obviously its not enough. She needs more, and I want to do this for her. But again the question: how do I explain it to her? Even if she totally understood, she is my daughter and she needs me, no matter what.
I hate this recurring thought of desensitization therapy. Talking about it. Details. Smells. Words. Everything. It all seems overwhelming. It seems an insurmountable obstacle. But how the hell can I refuse to do it if it will make me a better person, a better mother???

It's amazing that you have raised a daughter that clearly has such empathy and caring for other people.  That's not an easy thing to do and I think you should take some credit there.  For that and for the way you have made yourself available for her to talk to you and share with you how she feels.  She is lucky. 

Omg, thank you!! But I don't think I can take much credit. All my girls are good and loving people, and i think that's how they came into this world. I dunno. I did have another talk with my youngest last night. She is going to be 16 in a couple of months. When she finished her berry fast, an ojibwe thing, I talked to her about what had happened to me...and her father. Now that she is older, she told me she wants to really understand. We had driven to the store and sitting in the driveway when we got back home, she opened up again. We talked and talked. She wants to read what I had written for the desensitization therapy. I think she may be old enough. So I told her that when she feels ready I will give it to her to read. I want her to understand how none of this is her fault. I want her to understand how much her father and I have survived together. How much our love has kept us together and will continue to keep us together. I tried to explain that when bad things happen to one person in a family, it really happens to everyone in the family. Everyone gets hurt. And everyone in the family has to understand and heal. So much of the time I have been focused on myself, and I believe that is necessary and good. But at some point in our journey, we need to expand our understanding. Understand that the water has waves.

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