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A question I didn't have an answer to

Posted by StephEas , 07 April 2013 · 91 views

Someone whom I just recently told about my sexual abuse asked me a question today that I have no idea how to answer. She asked me if it was because of my sexual abuse that I am so shy and nervous and insecure. She wanted to know where my lack of self confidence came from, but I have no idea how to answer.

How can I seperate the parts of me that were caused by the sexual abuse from the parts of me that are just me? I don't know what it's like not to have been abused. How whould I know what I would have been like if that hadn't happened. I've asked myself that same question so many times, but I believe all of my experiences in life shaped me into the person I am now, including the sexual abuse. So how could I ever separate the parts of me created by the abuse from all the other parts of me?

I wish I knew what I would have been like if my teenage years hadn't been defined by what happened. Would I still have been the serious quiet shy kid? I probably would have been different if it hadn't happened, but maybe it also shaped some of my good characteristics. Maybe I wouldn't have been as compassionate as I am now, maybe I wouldn't have been a very good listener. Possibly I would have been wilder and more impulsive that I am now. I sought refuge in the arts and writing when the abuse began, maybe without it I wouldn't have so excited about the arts if I hadn't been abused.

I very often wish my teenage years would have been normal, that he would never have touched me. But it happened and that, together with every single other experience in my life, made me into the person I am now. So I feel, despite the fact that this woman really wants an answer, that it's not really important what experience caused what characteristic. I don't think I will ever know and it really doesn't matter to me.

I like this entry. Its beautifully written, and speaks to me. You are so right. It is the events that shape us, and we cant even unravel who we would have been, because we never had the chance. Yea, sometimes we want to change what happened, but someone wrote on a forum i started, how they are a strong person because of the SA. And they wouldnt want to change that. So thank you for writting this. I needed this today. And im glad the arts inspire you, they are so important to me too.
Once in a while I get asked "What it's like growing up as a twin?". It is what it is and its all I know. How can I compare it to something else?

Make the best of what you have. That is all you can do. Concern about "What if?" will not help you.
I was shy when I was younger, I was bullied a lot. After the assault, I just shy away from guys that look like my attacker. Other than that, I feel like nothing about my personality has changed from the standpoint of how others see me. On the inside, I feel completely different. My mind is always racing and i have trouble sleeping, I wasn't like that when I was young. But everyone is different.

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