A question I didn't have an answer to
How can I seperate the parts of me that were caused by the sexual abuse from the parts of me that are just me? I don't know what it's like not to have been abused. How whould I know what I would have been like if that hadn't happened. I've asked myself that same question so many times, but I believe all of my experiences in life shaped me into the person I am now, including the sexual abuse. So how could I ever separate the parts of me created by the abuse from all the other parts of me?
I wish I knew what I would have been like if my teenage years hadn't been defined by what happened. Would I still have been the serious quiet shy kid? I probably would have been different if it hadn't happened, but maybe it also shaped some of my good characteristics. Maybe I wouldn't have been as compassionate as I am now, maybe I wouldn't have been a very good listener. Possibly I would have been wilder and more impulsive that I am now. I sought refuge in the arts and writing when the abuse began, maybe without it I wouldn't have so excited about the arts if I hadn't been abused.
I very often wish my teenage years would have been normal, that he would never have touched me. But it happened and that, together with every single other experience in my life, made me into the person I am now. So I feel, despite the fact that this woman really wants an answer, that it's not really important what experience caused what characteristic. I don't think I will ever know and it really doesn't matter to me.