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Feeling responsible

Posted by gigglealotable , 29 May 2013 · 99 views

I've always worked so hard to be a good girl...at 22 years old I was still doing everything I could to get my mom to love me. I am coming up on the year anniversary of my mom taking her life, and it's been really tough. Then I found out that the cousin who saved my life from my mom took her life this past Saturday...I feel so responsible.

On Aug 28, 2011 my mom and my moms boyfriend broke into our apartment. I was living with my cousin at this time trying to escape my mom. That night I had taken a sleeping pill to sleep because I was exhausted. I didn't even wake up until he had already given me many cuts and bruises and was on top of me. My mom was just watching...which is what she likes to do. When he was almost done my cousin wakes up because I somehow managed to scream. My mom told him to kill me and he had a knife...she had a gun. In that moment my cousin is standing at her bedroom door with a phone and told them she had called 911. They ran out the door and I stayed alive.

I put her in harms way and traumatized her. She couldn't even go back into the apartment again for a couple weeks...and then we stopped living there and together. I feel so horrible. Like my existence causes people to want to die. She was an amazing person, she didn't deserve to have to live in such fear because of me.

It was not because of you hun it was because of the monster of a boyfriend and your mother
NOT YOU hun I am so sorry hun for your loss of your cousin but know that it is not your guilt ok it is the ones that harmed you they are ones that cause people to want to leave

July 2016

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