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I am not sure if anyone can relate to what I am saying, but this thought just hit me today after T. It seems that I am in this place of trying to find things to delight me that do not end up hurting me somehow. I have another post in the MW forum that refers to things that I have tried to help myself with that only ended up triggering and upsetting me intensely. Here's the hard part to admit, I do it all the time. I don't fully recognize it, though, until, I am way too triggered, upset and seriously ready to really hurt myself. Why do I do this? This is what I figured out. Somewhere in my mind, there is a blur of the line of what truly brings me joy and what brings me momentary pleasure yet is destructive to me. I am not referring to a s*xual thing necessarily-although it has happened. I am talking about everyday things.
I found myself outside today just staring off my porch. I noticed the last leaf on a Cottonwood Tree caught in a breeze. It looked like it was clinging to that branch with all it's might as if to say, "No! NO! I am not letting go!"
I can relate to that. But it made me smile. That leaf was fighting like hell to hang on to the tree. I am fighting like hell to hang on to my sanity, and any resemblance to normalcy I can find. Yet, I put myself in harm's way by thinking that if I use this "fake" balm to soothe my aching soul when it is actually something that is destroying me, then, I am just adding insult to injury. I am only reinfecting a wound that is already having a difficult time healing.
So why do it? Why not seek out the things that I can truly delight in? The simple things like the illustration above.
Honestly, part of me believes that the list is too short. Grant it, I haven't really tried to come up with a list because, in a way, I like things to be somewhat spontaneous. I might not like it so much if I write my likes down. Then,I feel obligated to "enjoy" them. What if I don't? I guess I may have to give up my idea of being spontaneous for a while and make up a list of things I "truly" delight in doing for a while until those become something I can do and be okay with. Being spontaneous will have to wait until the harm is out of the way. I don't know! Is this too much for me to handle?
Welcome to my world where everything is in a state of chaos! Someday, maybe It won't be. :confused:/>