My T has been helping me overcome anxiety and how to take more control over it and not let it ruin my life; but my first session when she had asked why I came to the office, I told her because of the anxiety and stress. She eventually asked me if I was sexually abused and I remember hesitating before I said yes and by my brother. I do not want to go so much into details because my T has advised me that divulging some information can trigger the anxiety more so I will go with her word; but for a while, mainly because mom is in a rush to move and ultimately get married to her fiance (whom my dad jumped a few years ago in front of me and some others on easter) and it is just triggering all of this family crap. I mean I have never been 'okay' I supposed since my dad relapsed with alcohol just three years ago and that was when I started recalling the abuse from brother. Last April when my grandpa (dad's dad) passed, it got real ugly so just been feeling sad, angry and pissed and every bit of pain and anger because I cannot stop thinking that family is stupid and that these a****** put me through hell! I hate doing this to myself because feels like I am doing the whole 'poor me' thing and never want to do that; but sometimes, I just feel so alone. I told my T briefly about the whole my mom expecting some doctor to 'fix' my worries and not her and it just makes me upset because I feel like for all of my life, I listened to other's problems and things they brought upon themselves and stupid things I consider like my mom and when she cheated on her boyfriend and did not know if she loved him and not; my friend's who obsessed with this guy and that guy and then made a big deal out of it when that guy did not love them or was mad at them. Then, when I was eighteen and all of this family stuff started to get more b.s. (dad's relapses; family triggers), friends would tell me to get over it [although no one but a cousin and aunt and of course T know about the sexual abuse). So it hurts the more I think about it.
I just worry so much because I am afraid if I will end up alone. It sounds dumb because I still make 'fun' of women who do that about men; but I seriously have trust issues or when I meet some great people, I do the whole 'do they know' about my past and will they judge or stick around if I do tell them. Just needed to get this off of chest.