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Then it happened, when I was 15 going through high school a friend of mine brought a kitty to school, she was supposed to hand her to another classmate but she didn't show up so my twin sister and I volunteered to take care of the cat for a few days until the girl came to pick the animal up. To my happiness she didn't, her parents had decided against it and my parents decided to let it "slide for now"... I loved her so much; Merlina was everything... I would come back from school to feed her and eat with her, then we would take a nap together, then I would do homework with her playing around and before dinner we would play together many different games, those were such happy days. She died 4 months later because of a spider bite on none of her paws, vet said she was too little yet I doubted he really took care of her when we left her in his care. There is no where to describe the pain I felt when she left.
My mom said she was with us on our time of need, that we had her because we needed her and now that her mission had been acomplished she had to go back to heaven, I guess it took me several years to accept that.
While going through my last year of school we adopted a puppy we named Chomper and we loved him as much as we loved Merlina, yet that year for Christmas we traveled to Peru to spend the holidays with our family there and left Chomper at a vet's "pet hotel"... we weren't sure about it, we all felt so uncomfortable but dismissed it as just being "overprotective", we thought we just had to let him go like part of the growing up process. We were so wrong, the vet sold our Chomper while we were away and tried to cover it up like he ran away, yet we found out the truth after getting back and looking for Chomper like crazy. Again we were heartbroken... I was devastaded.
Half into my first year in college a stray cat got into our house by mistake and since my parents weren't home I took her out opening and closing door around the house, drove her to the garage and there I gave her food. After working with her a little I managed to sit beside her for a while and I told her "You can come here anytime you want, I'll be here to take care of you if you need me and I'll always have something for you to eat... I cannot offer you a home because I'm just bad luck for you, yet even if you're not mine I'll love you and take care of you until you die" I cried after that like a little kid. She still lived outside in the streets but she became a constant in my life since she would come to sleep, rest, play and eat I named her Mrs. Neko.. basically Mrs. Cat, she had many kitties while alive and I took care of all of them under the same "code"... they couldn't be mine yet I loved them like I loved Merlina. First came Koneko (little cat)a strong, smart male... he died after living for over a year, then came Koneko-chan and Milkshake, a female... lean and smart, looking exactly like her older brother so that's why I named her like him... Milshake was scrawny and kind of shy, so I didn't really pay him much attention... at first.
Soon after the first year of Milkshake's life I realized he was coming for his daily meal with bruises, harmed by other cats because of females. The decision was easy, we got him operated and I just... couldn't leave him, then I saw something I hadn't realized until then, I... I saw myself in him, he was scared of people because he was used to been hurt, he was scared of me who fed him because he was sure I would turn against him any time, that I was going to leave him soon... he was just like me in those ways and so many others.
After the operation I made my mother accept Milkshake INSIDE the house for the time being, during "recovery" I said and soon recovery became daily life, he soon became my pet... even thought my mother would at first threaten me to get him out if I didn't obey her but I could tell she couldn't, she loved the cat already and I'm pretty sure she will always love him.
Mrs. Neko died a few years after... her strays days cashed the bill on her life. Her last kitties were mostly taken care of, I snatched them and gave them away to good people, some of them were Panfilo (female) and Kabuki (male), the only one who stayed was Anshin a male I tried to save yet I couldn't find him a home so as far as I know he still lives on the street. Milkshake stayed with us no matter what, he seemed to have it in him to be a house cat, he longed for a home so much it made my heart ache, so I became the surrogate mother, I would bathe him, clean his ears, feed him, take him to the vet, play with him, pet him, pamper him, talk to him, do homework with him, he even slept with me on my bed, he would come at night back from his late night stroll with "gifts" calling for me and he would look for me and only me... we had made a connection I found so powerfully healing. He was my good deed, my way of saying I COULD DO SOMETHING GOOD, to help myself understand my reality as something else than just pain, he made me so amazingly happy.
When he was about 3 years old my boyfriend and I adopted a akita puppy, Yukiko, she was soooo adorable and I loved her with all my heart, and ofcourse I never ever stopped loving and showing my love for Milkshake. I was sure both would always be my babies. Yet after getting married things turned for the worst, my parents, sisters and younger brother were moving back to Peru, living me just with my husband and older brother and I had to give Yukiko away... she had turned violent towards other dogs and no matter what my husband and I tried we didn't have to time to re-educate her so they talked us into putting her to sleep... sacrifice my baby... I was more than devastated, I cried for 2 days straight, no sleep, no strengh... until we found someone who was willing to adopt her and re-educate her, still... I lost her forever.
Bad luck didn't stop there because my "landlady" forbid me of bringing Milkshake with me, so he had stayed with my parents for the first 3 months of my marriage and after fighting and loosing I let my parents take him with them back to Peru. After 3 months a cat hater tried to grabbed him and broke one of his legs, I was informed by a call from my family and happily after an operation he survived... until again a message from father informed me Milkshake was already in cat heaven... someone had given him poisoned food and he had died.
I have a husky now... he's 5 almost 6 months old and his name is Diesel... not from Vin Diesel or the brand Diesel... more like the gasoline Diesel, because he was adopted he was "cheap" and he's so energic he can last loooong running around and destroying my house. I love him as much as I've loved each and every one of my loved ones. Yet... I cannot simply forget and let it go... not right now...
Milkshake was my baby... will always be my baby. The moments I shared with him will remain with me forever even if they hurt. I've read that cats are used as therapy animals and people are right to use them since Milkshake, with his personality and attitude made a change in my life... he cured me of many of my insecurities and gave me strengh when I had none. I found out that even if I was a stray like him I could become part of a family, part of something greated one day... he saw me as his "mother" and protector even with my past and even with the darkness I always had, he loved me for who I was then, with him... for the efford I made into taking care of him... and I will always be thankful to him for what he did for me.
There are still lots of negative thoughts in my mind, this wound is still too fresh for me to say otherwise... there are a lot of "ifs" and "whys"... I cannot help but hate myself a little for letting an innocent creature suffer... "again" unable to help him at all, like I was to help myself from what happened.
Last time I saw Milkshake was almost 6 months ago and it hurt so bad to think I'll never see him again. It's so hard after loosing so many significant ones... innocent ones, to the hands of people I don't even know... why can't I save them? why can't I protect them? I wish I knew.
Now I'm not mad at the person who did that to Milkshake... I'm mad at myself and I actually feel pitty for the person who did it, because he won't ever know the special happiness I was able to feel, the gift I was given to by that little tike, no... that idiot will never know his funny face with big eyes and the way he would meowl when I bathed him, or hiss when he was angry I had bathed him... or the way he would meowl sweetly while having a rat on his mouth and the way he would purr waking me up at 4am to be petted before his early morning walk... I will miss every little thing about him yet I will have the memory of everything he did and everything he was, yet the person who did it... he will never know this greatness.
Like the person who hurt me... when I was little, will never know the amazing girl I've become, the strengh I have, my jokes, my bright ideas... or the way I'm capable of loving endlessly... no, he will never know all that and I pity him, not me... I pity him.
Milkshake... my baby, look at me from up there and wish me the best... remember to exercise, eat healthy and don't play with water or you'll get sick... not to mention not rubbing your fur on dirt or you'll ruin it... but most of all remember your mommy loves you and will always love you no matter where you are. She will keep on fighting to become a better person, one strong enough to try and try again to take care of someone like you.