A thought as to why I am so... interested.
So recently, I have been reading a self-help book on healing and I have watched some television movies on CSA. In doing the aforementioned things, I've noticed myself to feel rather... drained, triggered and disoriented among other symptoms. It hurts me so much to expose myself to these things.
...So why is it that I do it, then?
Why do I find myself looking at these things while my common sense is telling me not to for the sake of preserving the wall of defense that I have long ago built around myself?
Is it because I enjoy feeling sad and angry over my losses? ...Yes, perhaps that is so... perhaps I stored this past of mine away, hoping to never acknowledge its presence ever again... and now that it's been hidden for so long, it finally wants to reveal itself... perhaps through feeling these negative emotions, that I had been taught were taboo to express, I am starting to heal and am learning to better understand myself, my past, and overall who I am as a person. Maybe that is why I am exposing myself to such things lately...
I don't know. Perhaps I am daft for even thinking that any of this healing business is a good idea. After all, I would feel so much more comfortable staying within this cage of blissful ignorance that I have stayed in for such a long time.
...And yet... something inside of me yearns to be heard and expressed... I think I shall give that little voice of mine a chance to speak. I'm so curious and, dare I say, eager to hear the stories that she has to tell.